


Testing, Alliance Style

by yarnandtea



Category: Mass Effect, Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Crossover, M/M, ME3 Spoilers, Portal Spoilers, Post ME3, Venko, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:55:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea/pseuds/yarnandtea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James wakes up in a mysterious facility with no one but a snarky AI for company and with no memory of how he got there. He decides to play along with the AI's demands that he run a gauntlet of problem solving tests, at least until he can figure a way out of the place. Of course, that's when things really start to get interesting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first off, a HUGE thanks to picchar for her AMAZING illustrations. Thank you so very much hon! Working with you on this has been a treat for me!
> 
> Second round of thanks go to ladyamesindy for her (as always) wonderful beta skills and her never-flagging encouragement. I don't know where I'd be without you, my dear.
> 
> As far as the story itself, I really have to emphasize that it is crack!fic. I have no reasonable explanation for how the Portal facility managed to find its way into the Mass Effect universe. I apologize for the liberties I have taken with Portal lore. I just really really wanted to see what James would do with a Portal gun and watch him go head to head with GLaDOS, okay? Though I would like to note that this *should* be perfectly readable for anyone not familiar with the Portal games!
> 
> That being said, I do hope you enjoy this story! I truly had a BLAST writing it.

James blinked groggily and swore as consciousness crept back to him. His eyes focused and he looked around, trying to figure out where the hell he was. An austere cube of a room with a small bed and a tiny table and lots of very annoying bright lights swam into view as his eyes fell into focus.

_What the--?_

Where was he? How had he gotten here? He shook his head.  It felt clear enough, but he had no memory of the events that had led to him waking up in this room.  He sat up in the bed, swinging his legs down and rubbing at his eyes. There was an odd sound as his feet made contact with the floor and he glanced down.

"What the fuck?" He jumped at the sound of his voice. In the silence of the small stark room it seemed insanely loud. Still, the reaction wasn't entirely unwarranted.

His feet were encased in a pair of strange white...boots, he guessed. Though they held his feet off the ground, and seemed to be supported by slim black metal bands that curled out from the back of the boot. Cautiously he placed his weight on the boots, coming to a stand. He took a few tentative steps around the room. It felt a little odd. For one thing, the boots made him taller than he normally was, which most people would argue was tall enough. But it didn't take much to get the hang of walking in them. He was surprised to realize he felt more balanced in them than in regular boots.

The shoes weren't the only new things he was wearing. Instead of his usual uniform pants and t-shirt, he had on an orange jumpsuit, only buttoned up to the waist, and a ribbed white tank top. He was also wearing what had to be the universe's _most_ scratchy boxer shorts.

He walked around the little room, trying to take stock of his surroundings. One wall was frosted glass and he couldn't make anything out beyond it. There was a toilet in one corner and a door in the other. A small metal sink stood next to the toilet, and a rickety wooden table stood next to the bed. That was the entirety of the room. He moved toward the door but was not very surprised to see that it had no handle.

"Seriously, what is going on here?" He was just venting to the room, not expecting an answer. So it was at least a little understandable that he jumped when he actually got one.

"Oh good. You're awake."

James' head swiveled around, trying to find the source of the voice. There didn't appear to be one. A whirring noise from the ceiling caught his attention and he looked up just in time to see a panel slide back, admitting a mechanical arm into the room. It stretched down and jabbed James in the neck.

"Ow!"

"Don't be a baby," the disembodied voice said. James glared at the ceiling, hand covering his neck. "I just need to check your vitals." James frowned. He wasn't sure he liked the sound of that. The voice was feminine in tone, reminding him a bit of EDI, though it lacked any trace of her warmth. "Everything seems to be in order. It looks like we're ready to begin your testing."

Okay. He _really_ didn't like the sound of that.

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

There was a soft hiss and the door popped open. Cautiously, James moved toward it peeking his head curiously outside. He found a brightly lit corridor with an open doorway at the other end. Next to the doorway was a lighted sign with a giant "01" displayed along with several pictograms that made little sense to James. He wasn't too keen on being herded along. He had long ago learned that when only one way out was provided to you, it was usually in your best interest to make your _own_ way. Still, he didn't really have many options at the moment. Right now the best he could hope for was that playing along would give him some idea about what was going on so he could start planning his _escape_.

"I think you're going to like what I've set up for you," the voice said. If James hadn't been convinced it was a VI of some sort he would have sworn that voice held unrestrained glee.

"Yeah, don't count on it," he muttered under his breath as he stepped through the doorway.

"Oh, don't be like that," the voice chided. "I've been working very hard to make up a new set of testing chambers since you've arrived."

"What, exactly, are you testing me for?" James asked, wondering if the voice was in a sharing mood.

"Oh, you don't need to know that." If he hadn't suspected it wasn't actually human, he would have sworn  that the owner of the voice was smirking. "Now, go on. Let's see what you can do."

James sighed and moved further into the room. At the center was a pedestal holding a large device of some sort. It kind of looked like a gun to James, so he moved forward to examine it. Picking the gun up, he turned it over in his hands. It was pretty, he would admit that. All sleek and white and round. Didn't look very practical though. It had claw-like pincers around what he assumed to be the firing end, surrounding a large round lens. Maybe a laser?

James turned it over some more, running his hands along it with a small frown. There didn't seem to be a handle or a trigger...but the other end of the gun was open and hollow. Saying a quick prayer under his breath, he slid his arm inside the opening. His hand came to rest around something that felt very much like the handgrip of a gun, his fingers brushed across something like a wide trigger. Okay then. He could work with this.

Stepping back from the pedestal, he examined the room itself, wondering what he was expected to shoot. He didn't see anything that would make for a target in his estimation. Did see a door, though. The only problem was that it was high up in the wall on a bit of a ledge with no visible way to get up there. James guessed that the bastards running this game were testing his problem solving skills.

_Shit, then. Guess I'll have to show them how we do it in the Alliance, huh?_

The wall of the ledge was faced with some kind of concrete. He looked at the gun on his arm. Probably could shoot himself a decent set of hand- and footholds with it. Climbing up might be tricky with these weird boots and the gun, but he figured he was up to the challenge. He walked over to the ledge and held up the gun, doing his best to aim it without a sight. Hoping he was far enough back that he wouldn't be hit by any debris, he pulled down on the wide trigger.

"Fire in the hole," he whispered.

Nothing happened.

"Well. That was anticlimactic."

He frowned down at the gun. Fingering the trigger carefully, he felt a seam in it and realized it was actually two separate triggers, not one wide one. Acting on a hunch, he took aim again but this time only depressed one of the triggers. There was a soft "shwoomp" sound and a glowing blue film appeared on the wall in front of him.

"Huh."

Curious, James walked up to the oval-shaped film and reached out a hesitant finger to it. It was cool to the touch but that was it. He turned around and aimed the gun at another wall. The "shwoomp" noise repeated and another blue oval appeared where he had aimed. At the same time, the oval on the wall of the ledge disappeared.

"Okay, that's interesting. I wonder what trigger number two does?"

James backed up again and fired at the ledge once more, this time depressing the other trigger. Another oval appeared, but this time instead of a film it was a hole...through which he could see himself.

"...the fuck?"

James glanced at the blue oval, which had also become a hole. It was rimmed in that blue energy though. Looking through it he could see himself from the side, as if he was looking through the first hole. He glanced back at that one, noting that instead of a blue ring, it was surrounded by an orange one and saw himself as if he was looking through the blue hole. He walked closer to the orange hole and very slowly stuck his free arm through it, watching in amazement as the arm emerged from the blue hole. He took a few steps forward...and exited from the blue hole.

"Alright," he said with a grin. "Now this I can work with."

James backed up and took careful aim, shooting the wall next to the door. The blue hole next to him disappeared and a glance through the orange hole showed a view of the ledge. James hurried over to the orange hole and stepped through, emerging from the blue hole onto the ledge. The door in front of him slid open with a soft hiss and James saw what looked to be an elevator beyond it. There was also an energy field of some sort just inside the door, but it did not look solid. Knowing he had no other way to go but forward, James walked through the door. His skin tingled briefly as he stepped through the energy field and a glance back showed him that the hole next to the door had disappeared.

"Well. That wasn't bad, I suppose," the voice said as he stepped into the elevator.

"What are you talking about? I rocked that!" James realized he was arguing with a disembodied voice and snapped his mouth shut.

"It wasn't the slowest that any subject has been at figuring out the portals," the voice admitted. The elevator doors slid closed and he could feel it begin to move. "If you're satisfied with a lackluster performance, who I am to rain on your parade?"

James started to say something in reply to the voice but managed to stop himself. That was great. Just what he needed. Trapped in an unknown facility to be tested and mocked by a pissy VI. The elevator stuttered to a stop and the doors slid open to reveal another corridor with a lighted sign beside an open doorway. This sign was labeled "02."

"Right." James said, hefting the gun as he headed into the room beyond. "Let's see what you've got for me."

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

~~

He figured out pretty quickly to pay attention to the pictograms at the entrance to each new testing chamber. Some of the rooms had hazards like toxic liquid lining the floor that he did _not_ want to step in, or laser beams that he needed to block or redirect with the portals in order to get across the chamber. In some chambers, he had to find a large metal cube--which for some sick reason had hearts painted on each side--and use it to weigh down a pressure plate in order to open a door or allow access to some other part of the chamber. The pictograms gave at least a little bit of warning for these hazards, and sometimes hints about how to get through the chambers, so he studied them carefully before entering.

He still wasn't sure exactly what the VI was trying to test him for, though his initial guess of problem solving skills seemed to be at least partially accurate. Seemed like a bit of overkill to him though. Surely there had to be better ways of testing such things? Plus, there was the portal gun. Which, he had to admit, was pretty damn cool. It didn't work on every surface, he'd learned, only on that concrete-like material. But he could see where it could have some incredible practical applications. Of course, again, the locked room scenarios didn't seem like the best way of testing its limits.

_Hell, if it wasn't for the bitchy VI, this might be kind of fun_ , he thought to himself as he made his way through the exit of another chamber. He really wished he could figure out why he had been brought here, and how. It might help him find the way _out_.

"So, how'd I do that time, Sweetheart?" He grinned cockily at the ceiling of the elevator where he was pretty sure there was a camera.

"That was within the acceptable parameters," the voice acknowledged.

It-- _she?_ \-- had gotten marginally less insulting when he started calling it Sweetheart, which amused the hell out of James. "Sweetheart" was how his _abuela_ had always referred to people that she could not stand but knew better than to let it show. There was no way this VI could know that though, so she seemed to be taking it as a compliment. James was hoping if he kept engaging her, she might let some actual information slip. He hadn't had much luck with that though.

"So what's up next?" James asked as the elevator slowed to a stop. "Bottomless pit? Lava floor? Rabid varren?"

"Oh, the bottomless pits don't start up for another few chambers," the voice replied casually. James blinked, momentarily unnerved. She went on, "We never could get the logistics right to use lava. I don't have any data on what 'varren' are, but using live beasts proved entirely too complicated to put into practice."

"Well, that's a relief, I guess," James grinned.

"Don't count on it," the voice replied. "Besides, I've got something much more exciting lined up for you in this chamber." The elevator came to a halt and the doors slid open. James stepped out into the corridor, completely certain he did not want to find out what this VI's idea of "exciting" was. "Have fun," she suggested as he approached the chamber's entrance. "Try not to die. At least not messily. Cleaning up is always such a hassle."

"Yeah, I'll do my best," James muttered under his breath, stopping in front of the panel next to the entrance.

Unlike in the previous chambers, this panel was not lit. It was, in fact, broken. He could make out part of the "07" at the top, but below that, the glass had been shattered. Here and there were a few shards with discernible black lines on them, but he could make out none of the pictograms.

"Awesome," he huffed. James took a deep breath and stepped into the chamber.

He took one look around and immediately ducked back around the corner into the corridor.

"Fuck."

From what he had seen of the room, it was pretty straightforward. Most of it seemed to be surfaced in that black stone that the portal gun didn't work on. A wide ledge ran around the edge of the room about halfway up the wall. The exit was on that ledge, in the opposite corner of the room. So he just had to figure out how to get up to the ledge and from there to the door.

Except for one small thing, of course. There were several devices scattered around the room that he was pretty sure were meant to prevent him from doing that. They were about as high as his waist, round white ovals each standing on three spidery legs. In the center of each device was a round lens, with a red laser coming from it. Those lasers looked an awful lot like target sight lasers to James.

 

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

"Hello?" A sing-songy voice called out from the chamber. "Is anyone there?"

"Son of a bitch! Those things _talk_?" James scowled. This place had officially surpassed weird and shot straight to creepy.

Carefully, he peeked around the corner, trying to get a better picture of the room. _Mierda_ , this was not going to be fun. As soon as his head popped into the room, two of the lasers tracked the movement, moving to fix on him.

"There you are," one called in that same chipper voice. James didn't hesitate. He pulled back around the corner just as the ringing sound of gunfire filled the air. The place where his head had been seconds before was hit by a wave of bullets. Great. Gun turrets.

"Are you still there?"

James shuddered. Whatever _pendejo_ had come up with the idea to give a voice like that to machines like those turrets needed to have his fucking head examined. That was just evil.

He'd at least managed to take a few more details of the room's setup in before they'd fired. There were six of the turrets, spread out around the room to cover most of the angles. The floor of the room was a portal-friendly surface, but as far as he could tell, that was it. The turrets _were_ standing on that surface though. Maybe he could use that. A solitary crate stood in the corner to the left of the entrance. It didn't look very sturdy, and it wasn't tall enough that he could climb it to get up to the ledge. It might provide at least temporary cover if he could get behind it though. _Damn, I miss my armor_. A thought occurred to him and, gritting his teeth, he ducked into the room again for one more look.

"Target acquired."

He dodged back out of the chamber just in time to avoid the second hail of bullets. Still, it had been worth the risk. A slow grin spread across his face. The ceiling was portal-friendly too. Not at the edges, of course. Not so that he could drop himself straight down to the ledge. It would take a little maneuvering, but he thought he'd seen how it could be done. First he had to get rid of the turrets though. James leaned against the wall, taking a few steadying breaths. He closed his eyes, picturing the room in his mind, and nodded slowly. _Yeah, it'll work._

James took a deep breath and dived into the room at a run, headed for the crate in the corner. As soon as he heard the turrets open up, signaling their guns coming out, he tucked into a roll, making it behind the crate just as the shots reached him. They pinged off the crate loudly, but it held, and after a moment the gunfire ceased.

"Target lost," a turret announced. James heard the sound of the guns sliding home and he breathed a sigh of relief.

From behind his cover, he could just see the portal-friendly part of the ceiling. He half-stood, half crouched, and aimed the portal gun for the ceiling, making sure that the blue oval was hanging over the other side of the room. Then he leaned around the crate cautiously. Lining up the shot, he targeted the closest turret facing his position and pulled the trigger that would complete the portal, shooting for the floor underneath the turret.

As he had hoped, the turret dropped through the open portal, falling back into the room from the ceiling.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" it screamed.

James shook his head. Then he quickly ducked back behind the crate as the turret bounced off the floor, spraying gunfire all around the room.

" _Mierda_!" It hadn't occurred to him that might happen. Probably should have though.

Once the gunfire died down again, he risked another peek around the crate. A satisfied grin spread over his face as he took in the results of his idea. The turret he had taken out lay on its side under the portal. The red light in its center had gone out and it seemed to have shut itself down. It looked pretty banged up. That wasn't all though. When it had been bouncing around shooting, it had managed to take out two more turrets, including the other one that was facing James.

That made it quick work for him to take out the rest of them. Once they were all in various states of disrepair and not about to shoot him full of holes, he walked into the center of the room and eyed the ledge carefully. It at least seemed to wrap around the room in one continuous piece. That helped him out a lot. Figuring he'd have the most room for error in a corner, James aimed the portal gun at the ceiling, getting the portal as close to the edge as he could. Then he slipped his arm out of the gun and carefully tied it to his back with the arms of his jumpsuit. He walked over to the half of the portal still on the floor and carefully lowered himself through it, hanging on to the edge for all he was worth. He couldn't help but notice the hum of energy where his fingers touched the glowing edge of the portal. It kind of felt the same as when he was standing next to someone using biotics.

James found it a bit disorienting to look down and see the floor so far below him when his fingers were firmly attached to it. Looking up was no better, as through the portal he saw his own body hanging from the ceiling. He took a breath and quickly started swinging his legs back and forth, working up a little bit of momentum. Then with a prayer, he let go of the floor, just as his legs swung toward the ledge. His landing was clumsy, but he managed to stick it, landing half on the ledge and scrambling to pull himself up. He freed the portal gun and slid his hand into it before running along the ledge and through the exit.

"Well," the voice quipped as he stepped into the elevator. "I guess we can't all do it the _right_ way."

"Hey, don't knock it, Sweetheart," James replied, knowing from her annoyed tone that he'd finished the chamber more quickly than she anticipated. She seemed to have an expectation for how long each chamber should take to complete, and if he got it done in a lot less time, she became irritable. "Not everyone's got what I got."

"Which I'm sure if I had an actual file on you," the voice answered, "would confirm my suspicions that it's not much."

"Aw, c'mon," James chided. "Admit it, Sweetheart, you're starting to like me." Silence. "Yeah, you know you are," James grinned. He had to admit, he was feeling pretty good about himself at the moment. Sure, he was stuck in a fucked up situation, but all things considered he thought he was doing pretty well.

"You know, the last human I tested was much more pleasant to work with," the voice said with what James could have sworn was a resigned sigh. "She never said _anything_. Of course. She did try to kill me. Twice."

"Sounds like a smart cookie."

"Smart isn't how I'd describe her. Don't you go getting any ideas, either." The elevator came to a stop. "Oh, why couldn't I have just kept testing on those idiotic robots? They were much preferable to live subjects."

The doors slid open, but James didn't step out. First the mention of a previous test subject then the comment about testing on robots. It was the most information he'd gotten out of the voice since he'd woken up. He wondered if she'd let more slip if he pressed the issue.

"Well why'd you go and kidnap me if you'd rather be testing on robots then?" James held his breath, waiting to see if he'd get a real answer.

He didn't have to wait long. She was clearly annoyed and he was reminded of how certain scientists he had known could go off on long tirades about their work if you got them steamed enough. Apparently this VI wasn't immune to that. James idly wondered if it was possible there actually was a real person on the other end of it. Or could it be an AI rather than a VI? He dragged his mind from those thoughts to listen to what she was saying.

"I spent years testing those robots and their teamwork skills," she griped. "I took it as far as I could without moving back to human subjects. Without any available, the facility shut itself down. Then those _morons_ found me and brought you here. They wanted to see what I could do and I wanted to continue my testing. I don't think they have any idea what they're doing, honestly. But who am I to complain?"

"I dunno, that sounds a hell of a lot like complaining to me, Sweetheart," James muttered, mulling over her words.

So, whoever was running this show had brought James here but wasn't the person who had created the facility or programmed the VI. That probably meant they didn't know everything about this place. He might be able to use that to his advantage. Although he doubted the VI was going to let him have the chance.

"That's funny, I don't see anything in your examination records that indicate a problem with your ears," she quipped.

James knew he should probably drop it. From what she'd said, she was the one designing these testing chambers. He suspected she could make things a lot harder--or a lot more lethal--for him on a whim. Still, something else she had said had caught his attention. He decided to risk one more question.

"You said you were testing teamwork. That's kinda hard to do with just one subject, isn't it?"

"Oh look, he displays some intelligence after all." James just stared at the camera in the elevator's ceiling, eyebrow raised.

"Oh fine, you just have to go and ruin all of my fun, don't you? If you manage to make it through the next chamber, I have a surprise waiting for you."

"Is it cake? I like cake."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

James couldn't get any more out of her so he let it go and moved to examine the panel next to the chamber's entrance. The sign for chamber "08" was intact, and he couldn't help but shake his head at the depictions of what were clearly those gun turrets. That would have been helpful in the last room. But at least now he knew to expect them when he went in.

He stepped into the room carefully, quickly taking in his surroundings. He let out a string of curses at what greeted him. Stretched out in a line across the middle of the room, facing the entrance, were five turrets. As soon as he cleared the corridor, five little red dots appeared on his chest.

"Target acquired," sang out a chorus of chipper robotic voices.

"Fuck!"

James tucked into a roll and managed to get behind something he had only just noticed from the corner of his eye. Distracted as he had been by the turrets, he didn't realize what it was until he was using it for cover. As gunfire echoed through the room, he crouched down and closed his eyes, praying fervently. After a moment, the shots ceased and he lifted his head.

"Where did you go?"

"Target lost."

"Shutting down."

James blinked and then took a good look at his cover. It _had_ been a clear glass wall, standing in a metal frame attached to the floor about a quarter of the way into the room. He glanced to the other side of the entrance and noted a second one as well. It was in much better shape than the wall in front of him, though, which was now spider webbed with cracks from the turrets' bullets. He pushed one finger at it hesitantly, amazed when it held. That was some industrial grade bulletproof glass right there.

Apparently, the cracks were so bad that the turrets could no longer detect him on the other side of it, which was good. The bad news was that he couldn't actually see through it either, which meant he couldn't figure out his plan for getting out of the room. Heaving a sigh, he inched to the edge of the wall and, keeping his head low, peeked around the frame. The turrets did not seem to notice the movement, and he released a small sigh of relief. His eyes scanned the room carefully and then he pulled back, sitting against the glass and thinking.

Just behind the turrets, the floor seemed to drop off into a pit of some sort. About thirty feet beyond that, the exit was clearly visible. The floor and walls around it were made out of that smooth black stone that was not portal-friendly, as was the entire ceiling of the room. His brow furrowed in concentration as he thought it through. First, he had to get rid of the turrets, obviously. While the temptation to just push them into the pit was large, it wasn't practical. The way they were set up he wouldn't get near one without being killed by the others.

That left using portals to take them out. So. What surfaces in the room _were_ portal friendly? As far as he could see, only the floor on this side of the room and the wall he was facing. That might be something. He peeked back around the wall again, smiling when he saw that the turrets were on that surface. Taking a knee, he aimed very carefully high up on the wall on the other side of the room and placed the first half of a portal. Then he leaned around the wall again and quickly placed a portal under each turret, moving to the next as soon as the first had fallen. One by one, the turrets fell through the portal on the other side of the room, bouncing around and shooting each other up before becoming nonfunctional or shutting themselves down. Through the gunfire he heard a smattering of their voices, still talking even as they bounced around.

"Ahh!"

"Critical failure."

"Hey! It's me! Stop shooting!"

"Shutting down."

"I don't hate you."

He shook his head again, crouched down on the far side of the wall, this time hoping the glass would hold long enough to protect him from any stray gunfire. Once the cacophony ceased, James remained where he was for a few moments longer, breathing slowly.

_Damn. This is starting to suck. I wonder what they'd do if I just stay here and refuse to move on? Not too sure I wanna know what her damn surprise is, at this point. It's probably turrets that can walk._

But the voice had said she was supposed to be testing teamwork. That meant a team. James held onto that thought, clinging to it like a lifeline, as he crawled to the edge of the drop-off and looked down. The pit looked to be about fifty feet deep or so, the walls faced with that black rock, but the floor was portal-friendly. He sat back up and thought, staring at the other side of the drop-off where the exit beckoned him. An inkling of an idea came to him after a moment and he glanced over at the pile of defunct turrets, then back at the pit.

He moved to the edge and aimed at the floor below him, moving the portal so it connected the high wall and the bottom of the pit. Then he made his way over to the turrets and used the portal gun's grasping function to pick one up. James walked the turret over to the pit and dropped it, aiming for the hole beneath him. As the turret fell, he turned to watch the other half of the portal.

A few seconds later, the turret sailed from the portal, flying across the room. James grinned as it hit the far wall with a satisfying crunch. Nodding his head thoughtfully, he moved the portal in the wall so that it was opposite the exit. After a moment's thought, he moved it again so that it was more in the middle of the wall than at the top. Then, he took a deep breath and strode to the edge of the pit, lining up the location of the other portal.

"Don't miss, Vega," he told himself grimly. He backed up a few steps and then ran to the edge, jumping off and over, making sure to fall into the waiting portal.

It was a strange sensation, he had to admit. One second, he was straight up falling. The next, the whole room had reoriented and he was sailing across it. He had entered the portal horizontally, so his body was upright as he flew over the pit. He managed to pull in his legs and duck his head as he crossed over to the other half of the room, landing in a clumsy roll. Clumsy, but effective. He came to a stop just in front of the exit and he sprawled back on the floor for a minute, laughing wildly and trying to catch his breath.

"Okay," he said to himself as he sat up. " _That_ was pretty cool."

The doors slid open as he approached them and he heard the familiar sound of the portals closing as he crossed through the energy barrier in front of the elevator. Well, the elevator tube. The elevator itself seemed to be running late.

"Aw, come on, Sweetheart!" he called out. "Where's my ride? Did I finish that one too fast for ya?"

"Don't get smug," the voice responded. "I was just making sure everything was ready for your surprise."

"Oh." That sobered James up a little.

He straightened up as the elevator appeared, bracing himself as it settled into place.

"Surprise," the voice said blandly as the elevator doors slid open.

From somewhere over his head, there was a whirring as part of the ceiling recessed. A rain of colorful paper confetti fell down upon him. But James barely registered this. Instead, his eyes were riveted to the apparently unconscious figure slumped over on the floor of the elevator. He couldn't see the figure's face, but the body was familiar enough, and the dark hair with traces of silver at the temples was a dead giveaway.

_Kaidan!_

__  


([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))


	2. Chapter 2

James ran forward, confetti trailing behind him.

"Major!" He crouched down in front of Kaidan, lifting up his head, checking for a pulse, tapping his face lightly to see if he would wake up. "Major, can you hear me? Ma--Kaidan?" That last was said in almost a whisper. What kind of sick operation was this place?

Behind him, the doors closed and the elevator started moving. James didn't notice. He was entirely focused on the man in front of him. His shoulders sagged in relief when he found a pulse, strong and steady, in Kaidan's neck.

"Hmph. I wouldn't expect him to wake up for a while," the voice said in annoyingly cheerful tone. "The morons running the show had me drug him to the gills."

" _Why_?" James demanded.

"I don't know." A hint of irritation cut through the cheer. "Maybe if they let me have a file on him I could tell you. But no. I'm just a computer program. Why do I need to know all of the data to run my tests? _Just_ a computer program. Hmph."

James ignored her rant and continued his efforts to wake Kaidan.

"How the fuck are you supposed to test teamwork if half of the team is unconscious?"

"Well. I suppose that's your problem, isn't it? You're here, by the way."

James looked around and realized that the elevator had stopped. The doors sat open, leading to yet another corridor and yet another testing chamber. He considered refusing to leave the elevator until Kaidan woke, but he guessed there would be repercussions if he tried it.

"Come on, Major, you gotta work with me here." He got his shoulder under Kaidan's arm and heaved, pulling the other man to his feet. He was smaller than James, but only just, and he was _solid_. As James dragged Kaidan out of the elevator and into the corridor, he was rewarded with a heavy groan. "That's it," James said in relief. "Come on, wake up, now. This is gonna be hard enough, it will be a lot better if you're actually _here_ with me."

"Vega?" Kaidan's eyes were still closed and the question was more of a moan than an actual word. His voice was fuzzy. "Wasgoinon?"

James blinked and tried to decipher that.

"I'll catch you up on what I do know, Major, but to be honest, it's not much. First though, gonna need you to open up your eyes for me, okay?"

Kaidan crinkled up his nose for a moment and then slowly managed to open his eyes into a squint.

"Bright," he muttered.

"Shit. Headache?"

Kaidan nodded once.

Whatever had been done to knock them out, on top of all of the drugs Kaidan had been given, seemed to have exacerbated the man's chronic migraine. That had to suck royally. Meanwhile, the voice seemed to have realized that Kaidan was, in fact, awake already.

"Well. What do you know?" James could decipher the surprise in her tone. "You might just survive this after all."

"Count on it, Sweetheart," James snapped.

"We'll see. Of course, what happens to you after you finish testing is anyone's guess."

Kaidan was more alert now, although clearly still groggy from the drugs, and looking around. He seemed to be trying to find the source of the voice. He picked a piece of confetti from James' shoulder and stared at it in bewilderment.

"What--?"

"Short version," James told him, brushing off the last few bits of colored paper. "We've been kidnapped and dumped in this crazy facility where a computer program is testing our teamwork skills. She's doing this by making us try to get out of a series of rooms with various obstacles, many of which are dangerous. We do get this wicked cool gun that makes portals though."

"Um. Okay?"

Kaidan's confusion hadn't abated one bit in the wake of that explanation. James didn't bother to elaborate further. Kaidan would figure it out fast enough once they went into the next chamber. Which reminded him...he looked around wondering where the portal gun had gotten. He must have dropped it when he knelt down to check on Kaidan. He spied it lying on the floor the elevator and went to retrieve it.

"I was wondering when you'd notice you didn't have that anymore," the voice observed.

James ignored her and went back to Kaidan. He was sitting up, leaning against the wall of the little corridor. James peered into the entrance of the chamber. All he could see was a blank wall, portal-friendly, a few feet in front of the door. That probably wasn't a good sign. As far as he could tell, there didn't seem to be a time limit on getting through each chamber, so he decided to let Kaidan rest a bit while he gathered himself up.

Kaidan had been dressed in the same getup as James, jumpsuit, white tank, funky boots. James idly wondered if Kaidan's underwear was just as itchy. He blushed and turned his head, hoping Kaidan wouldn't notice, furiously trying to push the thought away. Thinking about Kaidan's underwear was a bad idea. One that was likely to lead to thoughts about other, _much_ more inappropriate things. Letting out a little grunt of annoyance at the situation in general, James sat down next to Kaidan.

"How you feeling, Major?"

"Like I've been run over by about a dozen Brutes," Kaidan grunted. He let out a heavy sigh. "Fuzzy, mostly. Not sure I could even pull up a basic shield at the moment. Any idea what they gave me?"

"Nope."

"Damn." Another sigh. "Do you know if Cerberus was following us or if they just saw us and took advantage of the opportunity?"

"Cerberus?" James stiffened, turning to stare at Kaidan.

"Aren't they the ones that captured us?" Kaidan's eyebrows drew down, a frown forming on his face. "I could have sworn I saw their insignia on the arms of the guys that jumped us."

"Hell, Major, you remember more than I do, then!"

"What?"

"I don't remember getting jumped, just waking up in this crazy place with no idea how I'd gotten here."

"Oh." Kaidan sucked in a deep breath and then went very, very still. They had been sitting pretty close, arms brushing together. But now, Kaidan had pulled away, just slightly. If James hadn't felt the sudden absence of warmth, he wouldn't have even noticed the change. "What," Kaidan cleared his throat, "what exactly is the last thing you _do_ remember before waking up here?"

"Hell, I don't know, Major." James frowned as he tried to think back. "I was in Vancouver, bit of leave before getting my new assignment.... We ran into each other, didn't we?" Kaidan nodded stiffly and James continued. "That's right, we decided to meet up for drinks. We were at the bar and then..."

James whole face flushed with color as the rest of the night came rushing back to him. Oh, they had gotten together for drinks alright. Catching up on what they'd been up to since the end of the war had led to Kaidan talking about some of his students that he'd kept in touch with. Which had led to James, one too many beers in him by that point, making a smart-ass comment about how _hot_ Kaidan looked when he went all blue with his biotics. James would have normally brushed it off as his usual bullshit flirting, but instead Kaidan had said something remarkably awkward and endearing in response and James had realized that he was flirting back.

They'd lasted for one more round after that and then both agreed it was time to get out of the bar. Instead of leaving through the main doors, however, they had slipped out the back, into the alley that ran between the bar and the building behind it. James had barely cleared the door before Kaidan had pushed him up against the wall, kissing him roughly. He had been so surprised at the force behind the kiss that he hadn't even tried to fight for control, going along with Kaidan's lead, his hands touching everywhere they could find purchase. Everything had been crazy and intense and then--then there'd been pain, and darkness, and the next thing he'd known he'd been here.

" _Mierda_ ," James whispered, his head falling into his hands. "How the fuck did I forget _that_?"

"Well, to be fair," Kaidan chuckled, his body easing next to James' again, "you had been drinking quite a bit." James glanced up and was strangely relieved to see that Kaidan was blushing too.

"I didn't have that much," James grunted. "Damn." He started to cover his face again, but Kaidan reached over and grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers through James' own.

"Hey," Kaidan said softly. "No regrets here, James." He squeezed their hands together.

"Yeah?" James asked him, offering up a hesitant smile. "None?"

"Well," Kaidan glanced around the corridor. " _Maybe_ I'm regretting the part where we were so distracted that Cerberus managed to get the jump on us and stick us in here. Wherever here is."

James laughed in response and stood, using their linked hands to pull Kaidan to his feet as well.

"No arguments there. Come on, speaking of here, we should probably get moving before Sweetheart gets cranky."

"I can still hear you, you know," the voice reminded him.

"Oh, I know," James smirked.

He glanced at Kaidan and, relieved to find him much steadier on his feet, pulled him over to the chamber's entrance panel. Hopefully this time he could get some idea of what to expect before they went in.

~~

They made it through the next two chambers more or less without trouble. Kaidan was still decidedly slowed down by the drugs in his system, so James mostly took the lead. Both chambers had turrets, so James' first priority in each had been to get Kaidan into a safe position while he took the jarringly friendly machines out. Then they could look over the room together and confer on the best way to use the portals to get to the exit. Once he'd seen the portal gun in action, Kaidan got the hang of how to use them pretty quickly. He even came up with a few suggestions that James wouldn't have thought up, saving them a few steps in their progression.

"How we doing, Sweetheart?" James asked cockily as they approached the next elevator. "Good enough display of teamwork for ya?"

"Oh, yes. You're doing splendidly." James' grin barely formed before she added, "Of course, it's not like these chambers are any sort of a _challenge_." She sounded disgruntled. James didn't think that was a good sign.

"Hey, you designed them, didn't you?" he tried.

The voice was quiet for several long moments.

"Look, I'll level with you," she said as the elevator doors slid shut behind them. "These idiots that brought you here have _somehow_ managed to take control over most of the facility." Artificial or not, it was evident from her tone that she was not pleased about this. "They've even managed to meddle with my design protocols. So yes. I designed those chambers. But they _aren't_ the chambers I _would have_ designed for this particular test if I was not being messed with by morons."

James and Kaidan exchanged a weighted look. Kaidan hadn't really interacted with the voice, he'd mostly just sat back and listened, bemused, as James bantered with her. But even he had picked up on how gleeful she was at the idea of "stumping" them, preferably with lethal force. The elevator slowed to a halt and the doors slid open. The corridor beyond was completely dark. Kaidan sucked in a breath and James let out a muttered curse.

"Fortunately," the voice said, her usual smugness back in full, "I was given free reign for this chamber. Enjoy."

"Oh, this _cannot_ be good," James groaned. Kaidan shot him a concerned look before they stepped out of the elevator together.

James tried to pretend he didn't hear a robotic chuckle as the elevator doors closed behind them, leaving them in absolute darkness.

"Well," Kaidan said softly after a moment. "I guess the only way to go is forward."

James grunted in response. He felt Kaidan take his free hand and was momentarily glad of the dark. It covered the rush of heat to his face nicely as Kaidan gave his fingers a reassuring squeeze. Keeping their hands joined, he felt Kaidan moving away and realized Kaidan was moving to touch the wall of the corridor with his other hand. Catching on, James extended his arm until he felt the end of the portal gun make contact with the other wall. They moved slowly down the corridor, feeling their way along the walls, searching for the entrance to the next chamber. It was good that they were moving slowly, otherwise they would have likely tripped face first into the stairs when they found them. 

"Crap," James muttered as they started their way up.

"I take it the stairs aren't a good sign?" Kaidan's voice was still quiet, but he sounded alert.

"Usually stairs mean chambers with pits," James told him. "Which generally means crazy acrobatics are required to get to the exit." He gave Kaidan's hand a sharp squeeze. "I hope you're starting to feel more like yourself, Major, because you may need to be moving quickly in this one."

"I think I'll be able to manage," Kaidan replied. Something in his tone gave James pause. There was a confidence in it that hadn't been present earlier. Maybe Kaidan really was feeling better.

The edge of the portal gun caught on something and they stopped. James reluctantly let go of Kaidan's hand to feel the wall in front of him.

"Not as dark anymore," Kaidan observed. James realized he was right. The blackness had lightened to a deep gloomy grey. He could just make out Kaidan's outline.

"I think we've found the entrance," James agreed. "Pretty sure this is the info panel for the chamber. Be nice if it was, you know, actually _on_ though. Damn!" He gave the panel a healthy kick just for emphasis.

"Guess we're on our own then," Kaidan chuckled. James peered at him in the dim light. He _definitely_ sounded like he was up to something. An inkling of an idea crept into James' mind, but he bit his tongue. If he was right, then Kaidan wasn't saying anything for a good reason. Best to follow his lead for now.

"Here!" James said, his fingers skating past the panel and landing on empty air. "This way."

It looked like the entrance to the chamber was another, smaller corridor, this one L-shaped. Before they reached the end of it, James stopped short again. A small red dot was visible on the wall just before the corner of the turn.

"Turret," James said. "Aimed right at the entrance. Fuck." He ran a hand over his head, thinking about their options. Just one dot. That meant only one turret aimed right at them. Probably. The walls of the corridor all looked like they were made of that black material. Not portal-friendly. Of course. Maybe...

"Any ideas?"

"Yeah," he grunted. "One. But you're not gonna like it."

Kaidan didn't say anything in response to that, and James was grateful. He didn't think he'd be able to handle an attempt to talk him out of it. Kaidan likely knew their options were limited here. Heaving a sigh, he pulled off the portal gun and handed it to Kaidan. He started to step around the corner but then stopped, spun around, and grabbed Kaidan's shirt. He pulled the other man to him in a quick kiss.

"Just for luck," he whispered as he pulled back.

"Let's hope you don't need it," Kaidan said, leaning in for a second kiss.

James let go reluctantly and then turned, steeling himself. He took a deep breath and moved quickly, stepping around the corner, barreling straight for the lone turret guarding the chamber's entrance.

"Target acquir-"

Before the turret could finish its announcement, James had run into it at full tilt, knocking it over. He made sure to turn it as he did so, ensuring that it landed with the gun facing away from him. The turret fell to its side, getting off one round of wild shots. Then there was a mechanical whirring and the turret's sides slid back into place.

"Shutting down," it said sadly as the red light in its center winked out. James stood over it for a few heartbeats, staring down as he caught his breath.

_Fuck! I can't believe that worked!_

"Clear!" He called back to Kaidan, turning his head just in time to see the other man approach.

"Huh," Kaidan said in surprise, staring down at the disabled turret. "You just...knocked it over."

"Well, yeah." James shrugged. "They're not really that sturdy, actually. The trick is getting to them before they get their first shot off."

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully in agreement. He offered James the portal gun back and James accepted it gratefully. He was surprised at how much he relaxed once his arm was back inside of it. Seemed he was getting used to the thing.

"Now," Kaidan said, peering around the gloom. "Let's see what she's set up for us, shall we?"

They took a few steps forward and then stopped abruptly. James let out a low whistle and Kaidan's eyes widened in surprise as they took in the chamber in front of them.

It was _massive_.

"Damn." James grunted. "No wonder it's so fucking dark in here."

Almost the entire room was made out of the black rock-like material. He could only see a handful of portal-friendly surfaces. The entrance corridor let out on a small ledge, which was set about halfway up the height of the room itself. The floor, James noted, _was_ portal-friendly, well, where it wasn't that toxic water. It was also at least a hundred feet below them. He could see a few patches of the portal surface scattered around the room's high walls. Turrets were scattered all over the room too. Thankfully, none of them were aimed at their ledge.

All the way across the room, on an even higher, smaller ledge, was the exit. James peeked around Kaidan to the wall opposite the exit and shook his head. Just the same black material. No portal-friendly surface anywhere on that stretch of the wall at all. On top of that, there was one of those big pressure plates set in the floor in front of the exit. Looked like they would have to get a cube up there. Looking around the room, he didn't see any of the weighted cubes just sitting around. Which meant there would probably be a trick to getting one at all, let alone getting it up on the ledge. James glanced back down at the floor. He could see a few catapult panels like he'd encountered in other chambers. One was even below the ledge with the exit. But he knew from experience it wouldn't be able to throw a cube--or a person--that high up. They didn't seem to be aimed at the exit anyway.

"Damn," James said again.  Then, "Fuck!"

"Hey, we'll figure this out," Kaidan told him, glancing back at James with a reassuring smile. "Teamwork, right?" He didn't wait for an answer, his eyes going back to scanning the room. "What's that?" He pointed at a row of windows on the perpendicular wall, set just below the ceiling.

"Observation room, I think," James said. "They've been in a few of the chambers. I've never seen anybody in one though." Seeing the speculative look on Kaidan's face, he hastened to add, "That glass is bulletproof, Kaidan."

"Hmm," was all Kaidan would say in response.

James sighed and took another look at the room. Crossing the bulk of the floor, running parallel with the wall they were standing on, were three large rectangular pools of the toxic water. Two turrets sat on metal platforms in the middle of the first pool, one pointed at the wall directly beneath them, and the second facing the other way. The middle pool was empty, and there was another turret platform in the third pool. That turret was facing the wall opposite them. A closer look revealed it to be aimed at a recess in the wall, an alcove containing a second pressure plate. A turret sat on the floor on the side of the room, positioned between the first and second pools, pointing to their left. The last turret was on the other side of the room, between the second and third pools, pointing to their right.

So. Once they made it to the floor, they would have turrets able to detect them pretty much anywhere in the room. Not that James could see a safe way down yet. It was too high to jump and if he shot a portal at the floor, any of the spots he could come out around the wall would shoot them out at a high enough velocity to make them pancakes on the first surface they hit.

He spied the cube dispenser in the corner of the room along their wall to the right. It was hanging next to the bay of windows that Kaidan had noticed. Underneath the dispenser was another pool of water. In the corner opposite it, there was a metal platform suspended from a track on the wall. Likely it needed to be activated in order to move under the dispenser and catch the cube. A third pressure-plate was set into the floor below the platform. He noted that the wall next to the platform was portal-friendly.

Leading from the platform and the cube dispenser were those little strips of blue lights that indicated they had not been activated. He followed the strip next to the cube dispenser around the room and saw that it was controlled by the pressure plate underneath the platform. The platform itself was controlled by the plate in the recess across from them. James scanned the room once more and noticed a third set of blue lights. These were set into the floor and led to a section of the floor facing the exit ledge. James loosed a small noise of understanding. He guessed that when activated, that piece of the floor would raise at an angle. If they did a high jump through a portal with a cube, coming out of the other side on that inclined surface, they would be flung right up to the exit ledge.

"Got it figured out?" Kaidan asked.

"Getting there," James grinned.

He followed the line of lights, trying to find the third pressure plate. It looked like it was on the wall below them. Probably another alcove like the one on the opposite wall. He glanced at the catapult plates and saw that the one on the far side of the room seemed to be aimed in their direction. He'd wager anything that getting a cube on it  would launch it into the alcove with the last pressure plate.

"Right. So. We've got to activate that platform," he pointed to the corner, "and then get a couple of those metal cubes." He gestured to the dispenser. "Putting them on the pressure plates will activate whatever the plate controls. Once we've got them in place, it should be easy enough to get to that other ledge."

"Easy, huh?" Kaidan's eyebrows were doing that thing they did when he was skeptical. He glanced back at the bank of observation windows and looked like he was going to say something, but he seemed to stop himself. He rolled his shoulders and turned back to James. "Guess I'll have to take your word for it. What do we do first?"

"First, we need to try to get rid of some of those turrets."

The two on the solid floor were easy enough. James placed the first half of a portal on one of the highest patches of portal-friendly wall he could see. He started to aim the second half and paused. He turned to a lower bit of wall, opposite them, and moved the first half of the portal there. Then he completed the portal, opening it underneath the turret to their right. It fell through the floor and then tumbled out of the wall, bouncing several times before coming to a rest on the floor. While it bounced, it rattled off several stray rounds of gunfire. James pulled Kaidan back into the corridor to make sure they didn't get hit and then they moved forward again once the shooting had stopped.

"Nice," Kaidan observed with a low whistle. The bouncing turret had taken out both of the turrets in the first pool.

"Thanks. Now let's see if I can get that one over there as easily," he gestured to the turret in the far pool.

James fired off a second portal to dispose of the turret to their left, this time placing its exit closer to the last remaining turret. He heaved a sigh of relief when it was knocked off its platform by the stray gunfire. All of the turrets were down. Well, that was one less thing to worry about, at least.

"So now I guess we've just got to figure out how to get down there?"

James nodded at Kaidan's question. He peered at the alcove across from them again. Something about it kept drawing his attention. It seemed to be a bit lighter than it should be. On a whim, he took aim and fired off a blue portal at it. A wide grin spread across his face when it stuck. The back wall of the alcove was portal-friendly.

"We still gotta get down there, though," he muttered to himself with a frown. He tilted his head for a moment, thinking, and then turned around, headed back the way they had come.

"What--?" Kaidan started to ask.

"We weren't feeling the wall after we turned into the chamber," James explained. "I bet..." He ran his hand along the wall and was rewarded with a change in texture about halfway down the hall. "Fuck yeah!"

He took a step back and aimed an orange portal at the wall in front of him, turning to grin at Kaidan when they found themselves looking out into the chamber from the back of the alcove.

"Huh." Kaidan observed with a smile. James grinned in response, picking up the note of appreciation in the other man's voice. "Wait!" Kaidan held out a hand as James started to step through the portal. At James' questioning look, he asked, "Will we be able to get back up here once we've moved the portal?"

James thought about it for a moment and then shrugged.

"We shouldn't need to," he answered. "The cube platform's high enough for us to do our jump from when it's time to fling ourselves."

Kaidan nodded slowly and then followed James through. He kept walking when James stopped to look at the pressure plate, continuing to the edge of the alcove. He glanced down and gave a short nod.

"I think we can probably make the jump from here to get down," he mused. "It'll be a bit of a jostle though. I think this is lower than any of the places we could make a portal on the walls at least. Though...I guess we could make one on the floor." He looked back at James, his expression thoughtful.

"Nah," James said, waving off the concern. "We can jump easy. That's what these crazy things are for." He gestured at Kaidan's feet and Kaidan looked down at the strange boots. When he raised his head, eyebrow cocked, James explained. "They help steady the landing or something. I don't know how they work, just that they do. They've got their limits," he winced. He'd learned that the hard way in his third chamber, "but they'll be just fine for something like this."

"Okay then," Kaidan said.

"Right." James agreed. "So, I think the first thing to do is to get the platform moving. One of us could just stand on this plate until the other can bring a cube back, but I don't really like the idea of splitting up."

"Neither do I."

"Good. I've got an idea about that."

He joined Kaidan at the edge and glanced around the room, finding one of the downed turrets still on the floor. With a grin, he took aim and fired an orange portal underneath it. There was a loud metallic clank behind them as the turret tumbled through the other side of the portal into the alcove. James activated the gun's grasping mechanism and picked up the turret, knowing it would have taken both of them to pick it up without the help. He dropped the turret on the pressure plate. The blue strip of lights turned orange and the whirring of the platform moving along its track could be heard from the room beyond.

"That's what I'm talking about," James said proudly.

"Nice," Kaidan agreed. Something in his tone made James look up. There was a strange expression on Kaidan's face.

"What?"

"It's nothing, James," Kaidan said with a small chuckle. He walked across the alcove and gave James a soft kiss. "I was just thinking how well you're taking to leading. It suits you. I guess your N7 training went pretty well."

"Oh. Um." James rubbed the back of his neck, fighting back a flush. He was warmed by the compliment, he could admit. But at the same time it was also a pretty sharp reminder Kaidan still outranked him by quite a lot--Alliance Major _and_ Council Spectre--and he'd been ordering him around without a second thought. "Shit, Kai--Major. I'm sorry. I should be letting you call the shots."

" _James_ ," Kaidan said, placing a hand on his shoulder and stating his name deliberately. "It's fine. Don't apologize. I'm not exactly on my A-game at the moment. Besides, you've been doing this," he gestured at the portal gun and the room behind them, "for a bit longer than I have. You've got the hang of it. I'm willing to sit back and let you take the lead in this." He smiled softly. "Besides," he added, his hand sliding from James' shoulder to his neck, fingers warm and gentle, "I'm pretty sure we're still off duty at the moment."

"Heh. Guess you're right about that," James huffed, meeting Kaidan's eyes. The heat in them was almost overwhelming. Unable to stop himself, he leaned in for another kiss. Kaidan returned it eagerly, pulling James closer to him, wrapping his other arm around James' waist. He took a few steps forward, pushing James against the wall of the alcove, pressing their bodies together. James gasped and bit his lip to stifle a groan. "Really don't think this is the right time," he managed to breathe.

"Hmm," Kaidan agreed, breaking away and mouthing his way along James' jaw, up to his ear. "You're right about that," he whispered. "But I thought you might want to know that I'm starting to feel _much_ better. All of my usual skills and...abilities coming back to me."

James' brain was pretty addled by lust. That, in addition to Kaidan's raspy voice right in his ear, contributed to it taking a moment for Kaidan's meaning to sink in.

"Oh!" He breathed as understanding washed over him. "Yeah?" If Kaidan was able to use his biotics again...

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed, still whispering in James' ear. "I've got an idea, in fact. Get that platform in front of the window, and get me a cube. We'll see if it pans out, huh?"

"I can do that," James whispered, a slow grin spreading over his face.

It seemed Kaidan wasn't just trying to get them through this chamber, but already thinking about an actual escape. James was more than good with that. He'd been waiting for the right opportunity, after all. How nice of Cerberus to give it to him in such a damn fine package.

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

 

"Suddenly I find myself glad that there aren't any cameras in that recess, going by all of the heavy breathing I can hear." They jumped apart as the grumpy voice interrupted their moment.

James blinked and Kaidan moved to the other side of the alcove, catching his breath. James was relieved to see that Kaidan was just as affected as he was by the close contact. Yeah, the sooner they got out of this place, the better. He pushed away a grin at that thought, turning his head up to snark at the voice.

"Hey, can't two guys get at least a _little_ privacy around here, Sweetheart?"

"I don't see why."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't." James rolled his eyes, gesturing to Kaidan to follow him to the edge. They jumped down, landing easily thanks to their boots.

"Just get on with it, will you? You're putting me behind schedule."

"Not my schedule," James shot back.

"The longer you take in each chamber," the voice said, smugness creeping into her tone, "the more time I have to get future chambers ready for you. More time gives me a chance to be...inventive."

James felt his eyes go wide. He shot a glance at Kaidan, who he was surprised to find glaring at the ceiling of the room. If Kaidan's idea panned out, they wouldn't need to worry about any future chambers, but just in case...might not be a bad idea to stay on the AI's good side. At least as much as that was possible. He _was_ sure now that she was an AI, and not just a VI.

"Yeah, yeah," James grumbled, trying to sound properly concerned. "We're going, we're going."

They walked over to the far wall, where the platform was slowly moving back and forth on its track. James stopped next to the pressure plate in the corner and watched the platform. Just before it moved under the dispenser, he stepped on the plate. The blue lights turned orange and the iris in the dispenser opened. A cube fell out, landing on the platform. James stepped off the plate and the lights turned blue again, the iris closing. The platform began moving back toward their side of the room.

"Just need to get up there now," Kaidan mused, following the platform with his eyes.

"Easy enough."

James fired a blue portal at the patch of wall the platform was heading to, then an orange one at the floor in front of their feet. He and Kaidan crouched down, watching through the portal as the platform got closer. When it was near enough, they each tumbled through, dropping down onto the platform next to the cube.

"I think that's your cue," James said, eyeing Kaidan.

Kaidan just grinned in response.

He stood up and turned to face the wall behind them, settling into a stance of preparedness. James could feel the hairs on his arm stand on end as Kaidan began to gather his biotic energy. A nimbus of bright blue light, darker than the light of the portals, surrounded him.

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

 

"What's going on?" There was a note of alarm in the voice. "How is he doing that? What do you think you're do--"

The platform moved in front of the bay of windows and Kaidan released his built-up energy, unleashing a massive Cryo Blast at the glass. James shuddered at the sudden drop in temperature. Even this high up, there was plenty of condensation on the windows from the pools below. Ice crystals formed and spider webbed across the surface of the glass.

"Well I'm not sure what you expected _that_ to accomplish," the voice grumbled. "Whatever that was." In a lower voice, she added, "And _of course_ there was nothing about this in your files. Because they didn't give me any files. I don't know how those idiots expect me to actually do my job without all of the necessary infor--what are you doing now?"

Kaidan had ignored the voice completely, pointing to a patch of portal-friendly wall on the other side of the room. James took his meaning and fired a blue portal opposite the windows. As soon as the platform hit the end of its track and started moving back, Kaidan pointed at a spot on the floor, a little bit ahead of them. James completed the portal, and as the platform moved in place, Kaidan pushed the cube off the edge, timing it so that it would fall through the portal. Then he and James dropped flat on the platform.

"You don't seriously believe that's going to wor--"

The sound of glass shattering as the cube hit it at high velocity cut her off. The Cryo Blast had worn off quickly, but the rapid drop and then rise in temperature had weakened the glass enough for the heavy cube to barrel right through it. James and Kaidan didn't waste any time, getting back on their feet as soon as the cube had gone through the window. Thankfully, most of the glass had fallen inward, rather than exploding onto them. Before the platform passed out of range, they jumped through the window and into the glass-strewn office.


	3. Chapter 3

"You won't get away that easily, you know." The voice warned them as they reached the door leading out. "Do you really think I don't have eyes all over this facility. I can track you wherever you go. See, I can see you right no--wait a minute. Why can't I pull up the feed for that office? What did--oh those MORONS. How did they cut off my access to the security feeds?"

The door was locked, but it was wooden, and old, from the looks of it. On hinges and the lock wasn't even electric. He and Kaidan broke it open easily, and found a dimly lit hallway waiting beyond. Unlike the corridors leading between testing chambers, it was carpeted, and there were several more doors on each side. James shut the door behind them and leaned against it, grinning when the movement cut off the ranting robotic voice behind them.

"Well she's not happy. Guess Cerberus didn't trust their new toy."

"You think they shackled her like they did to EDI when they first installed her on the Normandy?" Kaidan asked, looking around.

"Probably," James agreed.

Kaidan's attention was caught by something in the far corner of the hall. He moved toward it and James followed, looking around cautiously. Odds were pretty good it wouldn't take Cerberus long to realize they'd gotten out and send someone looking for them. With Kaidan's biotics back, their chances were better, but he would still prefer to be armed with a real weapon. He glanced down at the portal gun, considering whether or not to discard it. Best to hold on to it for now, he thought. Just in case.

"Security camera," Kaidan said, pointing up in the corner he had been looking at. "At least, I think so. It looks ancient." It did. It was a little white box with a lens at the end, mounted on a pivot of some sort. James guessed it could be moved manually to see the whole hall or set to sweep automatically.

"Sweetheart did make it sound like she's been around for a long time. This place could easily be old enough for such low tech. You think they can see us right now?" James asked, looking up with a scowl.

"No, actually," Kaidan said with a grin. He pointed to a small bulb above the lens. "That's an indicator light. This thing's not on." He shook his head." Cerberus must have turned _off_ the feeds in the parts of the facility they're not using. Might by why she didn't realize they'd cut her access?"

"I guess. So. We've got a bit of a head start to try to find our way out."

"Yeah..." Kaidan looked thoughtful. "At least until they turn the cameras on and start looking for us."

They started walking, moving further into the facility. For the most part it just all looked like offices and utility space. It was clearly dilapidated. From what they could see, no one had been using this part of the facility for a very long time. James was silently impressed that the testing chambers and their keeper were still functional at all. They passed a few more cameras as they went, all of them turned off. Kaidan still seemed to be thinking things over, so James took the lead. He was oddly relieved to see that many of the walls seemed to be the portal-friendly surface. The gun might not be completely useless. It was reassuring.

"Aperture Science," Kaidan mused, pausing to read a scratched up sign on one of the doors they passed. They'd been walking for about ten minutes or so. "I've never even heard of such a company. How big do you think this place is?" They still hadn't seen any working cameras. They had found a stairwell and after a brief debate had headed up instead of down. Given that the elevator between chambers always seemed to be taking them up, they both guessed they were in an underground complex.

"Pretty fucking big," James speculated. "I mean, think about the size of some of those testing chambers. Plus, from what Sweetheart let slip, there's got to be some sort of manufacturing facility here too."

"Yeah, and there were those labs we passed..."

James nodded. Kaidan stopped suddenly in the middle of the hallway. James glanced around, wondering if he'd seen an active camera.

"Kaidan?"

"James, I don't think we're getting out of here without some help."

"I don't really think those Cerberus _pendejos_ are gonna volunteer." James raised an eyebrow.

"Not willingly, no. But they're bound to send some people to look for us. If we disappear before they turn the cameras on, we can get the jump on a search team--maybe get their weapons, make them show us out or tell us where the exit is."

"That might work."

"We passed a kitchen a few doors back," Kaidan said. James blinked at the sudden change in subject. Sure, Kaidan probably needed some food, but he couldn't really think that there'd be anything to eat in here, could he? Kaidan must have noticed the look on James' face because he chuckled and shook his head. "I think this floor is living quarters. Maybe for scientists on sensitive projects or monitoring data?" He gestured down the hall. "I bet we'll find somewhere to hole up without any cameras. Should be a good place to hide while we wait for our search party."

It was a solid enough plan to go on, James figured. Besides, now that they weren't in the testing chambers anymore, he figured he should start letting Kaidan take the lead again.

"Works for me."

~~

Half an hour later, they were settled in to a small room that had once been a dormitory. There were no cameras in the room, though there were a few in the hall outside the door. By the time they had found the row of dorm rooms, both Kaidan and James were starting to get nervous that they hadn't run into any Cerberus agents or seen any of the cameras come on.

"They have to have noticed by now that we've gotten out."

"Maybe," Kaidan said as he gently prodded the steel-framed bed in the corner.

"Oh, come on! They went to all of that trouble to kidnap us and force us through 'testing' but they weren't actually watching the action? You don't really believe that, do you?"

"No." Kaidan offered him a small smile. He placed his hands on the bed and leaned down, seeing if it would take his weight. "But it is possible that they were watching remotely. If that AI did have control over this whole facility at one point, then they might not have wanted to risk that their shackling measures weren't good enough." James nodded slowly at this. It made sense.

"Or," Kaidan continued, standing up straight again, "they're having a hard time getting the security feeds they cut turned back on. So if they did already have personnel here, they would have had to get them to the chamber we broke out of and then start their search from there. Sit here."

James blinked at the sudden change in subject and saw that Kaidan was pointing at the bed. He shot Kaidan a doubtful look.

"Why?" He asked suspiciously. Still, he moved closer to the bed as he spoke.

"Who knows how old this is? It could be rusted through. I figure if it's gonna break, I'd rather know before we're asleep," Kaidan shrugged. "So we both sit on it. If it holds up, we can take turns catching some shut-eye while we wait for Cerberus to catch up."

"Okay."

James walked the rest of the way over to the bed. He tried not to blush at the image the words "we're asleep" had conjured in his head. Of course they couldn't both sleep at the same time, one of them would have to keep watch. Gingerly, he sat down on the bed, ready to jump back up the instant it showed signs of falling apart. A cloud of dust puffed up from the blanket as he sat and he sneezed violently in response. The bed creaked at his sudden movement but it remained intact.

"Bless you," Kaidan laughed, plopping down next to James with much less care.

The bed creaked again, but it held. Kaidan did a funny little bouncing move next to him on the bed and James sucked in a breath as their bare arms brushed against each other. Sure, the heat from Kaidan's body was probably just from his biotics, but _damn_ did it feel good. It heated James' own blood a little too nicely and he thought about scooting away. This really wasn't the time or place. But all of that kissing earlier, and then their escape, had gotten James worked up enough already.

Now the adrenaline was starting to wear off and James was sure he was about to be overwhelmed by tiredness. He should be focusing on getting some sleep. Instead, all he could focus on was Kaidan. Somewhere along the way, in between their capture and now, his hair had gotten seriously mussed. Instead of his usual neat, slicked back style, it was a mass of dark wavy curls sticking every which way. James stared and tried not to lick his lips. He really, _really_ wanted to run his hands through that hair.

"Yeah, I think this should hold for a while," Kaidan said. He seemed completely oblivious to James' preoccupation. "You've been going for a lot longer than I have, so I'll take the first wat--" He turned to James with an easy smile that slipped a bit when their eyes met. "Oh," he whispered softly, seeing the raw hunger in James' eyes.

"Suddenly not that tired," James rasped out.

"Yeah?" Kaidan reached up and cupped James' face in one of his hands. His thumb idly stroked along James' chin.

"Yeah."

"Maybe I can help you out with that," Kaidan whispered, a wicked grin flashing across his face.

James couldn't have stopped himself even if he wanted to. He leaned forward, closing the space between them, and captured Kaidan's lips with his own. He let his fingers slide into Kaidan's hair, carding through the curls, and was rewarded with a low moan of pleasure. Kaidan's tongue pressed at his lips and he opened them, allowing entrance, pulling the other man closer. Kaidan was practically in his lap now, which definitely wasn't going to do anything to dampen his arousal.

Not that he wanted to. Not that it seemed like _Kaidan_ wanted him to.

Kaidan's hands were busy roaming his chest, his back, his sides. Then those clever fingers were tugging and James realized he was trying to pull off his tank. He leaned back, lifting his arms and breaking the kiss long enough to let Kaidan get the shirt off and toss it on the floor. He leaned back in for another kiss and then stopped so that he could remove Kaidan's tank as well. Kaidan pushed him back on the bed, laughing when James sneezed at the puff of dust this stirred up, then kissing him gently to soften the laugh. James barely even noticed, he was so focused on Kaidan's body next to him, on all that skin, so close, so warm, free to touch. He knew they shouldn't be doing this now but he couldn't quite bring himself to care. Not when Kaidan seemed to have given in to the same sense of abandon, the same need.

_Fuck it_ , he told himself. _We've got a head start. Besides, if_ this _is what gets us caught again? So worth it._

Still, no sense in dragging it out. The sooner they were done, the sooner they could go back to watching for Cerberus and finding a way out of this place. If they did manage to escape, there would be plenty of time later to go slow, he promised himself. He would make damn sure they got a chance to do this again, and often, if Kaidan was willing.

James pushed at Kaidan's jumpsuit, moving the orange fabric out of the way so he could reach into Kaidan's underwear. Kaidan was sucking and biting at James' neck, but his breath hitched when James took his cock firmly in hand. He gave it a long, slow stroke and was rewarded with the most delicious moan right in his ear. Then Kaidan's hand was scrabbling at James' jumpsuit, his hand snaking around James' cock in return. _Fuck, that feels good_.

Kaidan's hand was warm and rough, his fingers calloused, and he moved closer to James as he began stroking. It was all James could do to keep focused enough to return the favor. Their legs tangled together and they bucked into each other's hands, heavy grunts and low moans accompanying the increased creaking of the bed. Miraculously, it held together, and it wasn't long before first James was coming and then Kaidan. They lay together on the bed, breathing heavily, foreheads touching and backs bowed so as to avoid lying in the sticky mess they had made between them.

"Damn," Kaidan whispered.

"Yeah," James chuckled back. He reached up and stroked Kaidan's face, unable to resist toying with his hair again. "After we get out of here, can we do that again somewhere _clean_?"

"What, the fact that we're hiding from Cerberus agents and a homicidal AI doesn't bother you, but the dust is just too much?" He rolled off the bed with a laugh, retrieving his shirt from the floor. The movement stirred up another cloud of dust and James sneezed again. He shot Kaidan a look and Kaidan only laughed. It was a warm rich sound and James wished he could just get lost in it.

"Okay, okay," Kaidan said, palms up as if in surrender. "Next time, I promise, somewhere nice." He gave James an appraising look. "Somewhere we can take our time, and with a door we can lock." James nodded and grinned at him in agreement.

Kaidan tucked himself back in and wiped at his chest with his shirt, removing the evidence of their recent activity as best he could. He pulled up the top half of the suit, shrugging his arms through the sleeves and zipping it most of the way closed. James watched him with drooping eyelids. No one had any right to look as hot in a ridiculous orange jumpsuit as Kaidan did right then. Kaidan stepped over to the bed and tugged at the blanket a little, pulling it out from under James and throwing it in the corner. James moved enough to let it slide off the bed, relieved to find that the sheets beneath were relatively dust-free. Then Kaidan leaned over and used his shirt to clean up James as well, pressing a kiss to his forehead and handing him back his own tank. James sat up to don it and get the rest of his clothes straightened out.

"You take the first sleep," Kaidan told him, adding his soiled shirt to the balled up blanket in the corner. He sat down next to the bed, where he could keep watch on James and the door. "I'll wake you in a bit."

James didn't bother to argue. He lay back down on the bed, turned so that he was facing Kaidan. Exhaustion finally caught up with him, and he fell asleep to the sight of Kaidan keeping watch and absently trying to straighten his hair with his fingers.

~~

James wasn't sure how much time passed before he was awoken by Kaidan gently shaking his shoulder. Enough that he felt rested, but not so much that he was completely renewed.

"My turn to take watch?" He stifled a yawn as he asked, drawing a tight smile from Kaidan.

"Afraid not," Kaidan answered quietly. "It sounds like we've got company."

The words were enough to wake James fully and he sat up, scrubbing at his eyes and shaking his head to clear it. He could see now that Kaidan was tense, alert. He closed his eyes for a few moments, just listening, and it didn't take long for him to pick up the sound of voices further down the hallway.

They had left their door cracked slightly so that they _would_ be able to hear just such a thing. After a little bit of discussion when they had chosen the room to settle down in, they had also left a few other doors in the hall ajar as well. They were hoping it would be enough to catch Cerberus' attention when the cameras came back online, but it should also give them the opportunity to hear any approaching agents. It seemed that part of the plan had worked.

Of course, that meant it was time for the tricky part.

They backed into separate corners, facing each other along the wall that the door was set in. James felt a low buzzing in his nerves and he saw that blue nimbus of biotic energy surround Kaidan. He slid the Portal gun onto his arm and then, they settled in to wait. It didn't take long. Only a few moments later they heard the heavy tread of two pairs of boots approach. The newcomers weren't even trying to be quiet. James figured that meant they were probably packing some heavy weapons. They  might even be in heavy armor. The footsteps paused outside their room and then the door was pushed slowly open.

"Hey, _pendejos_!" James called out in greeting. "Took you long enough."

Both Cerberus agents turned to face James as he stepped toward them. That reaction was exactly what he had been counting on. Behind them, Kaidan stepped forward softly, his long-fall boots almost silent in the room's carpeting. Before they even had a chance to realize he was there, Kaidan threw a Reave at the group. They didn't even have a chance to get their shields or barriers up-- _idiots should have had them up already_ \--and at such close range, the effect was impressive. The agents stumbled, one of them falling to his knees. The Reave wouldn't last long, but it gave Kaidan and James a chance to disarm the Cerberus agents and knock one of them out. Kaidan handed James a heavy pistol, and James leveled it at the remaining agent. When the guy finally recovered he looked around with a shrewd gaze, assessing the situation.

"We weren't the only team sent out," he said after a few moments, staring at the gun in James' hand. "The cameras are back up now. We have control of this facility. Someone else will stop you."

"Which is why you're still standing," Kaidan said agreeably. The Cerberus agent glanced over at him and frowned when he realized that Kaidan was stripping the armor from his colleague.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking his armor," James said, drawing the agent's attention back to himself. He held the man's gaze, avoiding watching from the corner of his eye as Kaidan stripped down and donned the Cerberus gear. "You're going to act like you caught me and then lead us out of here instead of to your boss."

"You think no one will wonder why there's only one of you?"

"Not when you tell them I admitted to splitting up so we had a better chance of finding the exit," James grinned.

The agent shook his head in disbelief. Kaidan, meanwhile, had finished dressing. He made a face of distaste as he slid the Cerberus helmet over his head. James could understand. No one from Shepard's crew really had a fondness for the organization, but Kaidan had more reason to hate them than most. As far as he was concerned, reviving Shepard was the only good thing they had ever done. He pulled up the unconscious agent's omni-tool and grinned as he started accessing its files.

"Looks like we've got blueprints of the facility in here," he told James. " _And_ access to the camera feeds. That will come in handy. Huh."

"Whatcha got?" James asked.

"As far as I can tell, they only activated the cameras in one small section of the facility. Looks like as they cleared each area they were getting a new one online." He glanced up at James, a relieved smile crossing his face. "That makes this a lot easier. We just need to get out of camera range and move quickly enough that they don't have time to realize we've gone rogue."

"So you don't need _me,_ " the other agent quipped.

"You're our insurance, jackass," James told him. "If we run into any of your buddies, you can help bluff us past them."

"What makes you think I'll play along?"

"This," James told him, holding up the portal gun.

"You can't do anything to me with that." The agent's voice dripped with derision.

"You ever notice how almost this whole facility is made of that concrete wannabe surface?"

"Yeah," he scoffed. "So what?"

"I never went through one of those energy fields that resets the portals," James said slowly. "Which means the last portal I made is still open. All I've gotta do, is move half of it here, and I can just push you right on through. Only problem is, I can't seem to remember which portal was which. So, do you end up getting thrown through the harmless hole in the floor of that chamber, or the one a hundred and fifty feet up on the wall?"

The agent's face lost all color. Kaidan issued a soft chuckle and James glanced over to see him shaking his head. He had stripped the sheet from the bed and was using it to hog-tie the other agent. When he was finished, he carefully slid the guy underneath the bed. James suspected the man would be very confused when he woke up. And dusty. Kaidan had gagged him too, which meant that he wouldn't be able to call out for help if any of the other Cerberus teams wandered by. His colleague had taken all of this in and seemed to come to the same conclusion. When Kaidan stepped up and took his omni-tool away, the last spark of hope left his eyes.

"If I help you get out of here, will you take me with you?"

"Say what, now?" James eyebrows shot up and he exchanged a surprised look with Kaidan.

"Look, the Illusive Man was never the most forgiving of mistakes," the guy said. "But our new boss makes him look like a pussycat. I don't want to be on the receiving end of his rage when he finds out his new project got fucked."

James shot a glance at Kaidan. _Your call, Major_. Kaidan nodded, indicating he understood the look.

"Will you be willing to tell the Council what you know about the organization's new structure?" Kaidan asked softly. The agent nodded. James thought maybe he hadn't bargained for whatever changes Cerberus had gone through after the war. "Okay then," Kaidan agreed. "You'll come with us."

Kaidan took the pistol back from James and disabled it before handing it back to the agent. At his look of surprise, Kaidan just shrugged.

"If we run into anyone else, they'll notice if you're not armed." James offered him the portal gun but he just waved it off. "Like he said, they're not looking at that as a weapon. Just carry it, don't wear it, and look dazed, like we gave you something. I think that should be enough for us to pass."

The agent nodded slowly, agreeing with Kaidan's assessment. James still wasn't sure he trusted the guy, but he _did_ trust Kaidan, and he knew the pair of them could take him down if he did try to cause trouble.

"I should probably report in," the agent said. "That's the protocol." Kaidan gave him a long hard look before nodding and handing his omni-tool back to him. The agent tapped at the display to open up a channel. "Frank here, with Echo team."

"Report?"

"We found one of them, the big one. Vega? Looks like they split up trying to reach the surface. You want us to keep looking for Alenko, or--?"

"Bring Vega to Control," the voice at the other end of the call snapped. "I'll let the other teams know they're just searching for Alenko. If Vega won't talk, then he'll at least be a useful hostage. Jennings is working on getting the facility-wide comms back up. We can make a special announcement for the Spectre."

James furrowed his brow at the tone. He really didn't like the sound of that. He glanced up and saw that the agent--Frank--had gone pale again. Yeah, he _really_ didn't like the sound of that. Good thing he wasn't actually going to Control.

"Yes, sir," Frank said after clearing his throat. "We're getting him ready to escort now, had to dope him up, he wasn't exactly willing to come quietly."

"Just get him here in one piece." The channel went quiet and Frank tapped his omni-tool, shutting it down. He handed it back to Kaidan with a shake of his head.

"The quicker we get out of here the better."

"Is Control in the camera zone?" Kaidan asked.

"No," Frank said after a moment's thought.

"Good. Here, show me where it is." He pulled up the blueprints on his stolen omni-tool. Frank leaned in and pointed and Kaidan tapped the display a few times, looking thoughtful. After a moment he gave a slow nod. "Okay, I think I've found an exit we can get to quickly after we get off camera without clueing them in too early that we're bolting."

"They'll probably have guards on the doors," Frank warned, "and there's security codes to get out."

"Eh," James shrugged. "We can probably handle them." Kaidan shot him a proud grin and nodded.

"Come on," Kaidan said once they were all settled. He and Frank each took one of James' arms and made a bit of a production out of dragging him out of the room. "Let's get this show on the road," he heard Kaidan say under his breath as the crossed through the door.

~~

It took them about half an hour to get out of camera-range. They had to take the stairs in between levels, apparently shutting down the elevators had still been within the AI's power and she was refusing to turn them back on and help Cerberus. James was perversely proud of her for that. She hadn't been that bad after all. A bit homicidal, maybe, but hey, she was just doing what she'd been designed to do. They also made sure to keep up the illusion that James was their captive, so he was dragging his feet, still pretending to be drugged. He loosed a huge sigh of relief when Frank pulled up short after turning a corner and Kaidan announced they should be out of Cerberus' monitored area now.

"Control is to the left, about five more minutes at this pace," Frank said.

"And the exit?" Kaidan asked.

"To the right, up three levels, and down a short hall. There's a checkpoint there; it will be manned. About ten minutes to get there." He looked between James and Kaidan. "Up to you two how long it takes to actually get past the checkpoint and out the door."

"We've been going slow enough that they probably won't question us taking a little bit longer than five minutes," James mused as the three of them turned right, moving much faster now that they didn't have to put on a show.

"So it's a matter of taking out the guards at the checkpoint before they get an alert," Kaidan agreed.

"Assuming Jennings hasn't gotten the comm system back up," Frank pointed out, making a face.

"You think he's already done it?" Kaidan asked as they hit the next stairwell. All three of them instinctively looked at the camera in the corner and relaxed upon seeing that the light was not on.

"That ass? I wouldn't bet on it. He talks a pretty big game," Frank said. "I mean, he'll get it up sooner or later, sure, but it won't be as fast as he said he would. Still, I have no idea when he started working on it, so who knows."

With that unhelpful answer, Frank fell silent. Kaidan exchanged a look with James and the three of them sped up without needing to be told. James noticed that Kaidan was making the face he usually did before going into battle. He guessed the other man was starting to gather up the energy he'd need to access his biotics.

"Checkpoint's around that corner," Frank told them as they exited the stairwell.

"Okay. Vega, you stay out of sight until I call for you. We'll have a better chance of catching them off guard if they think we're just friendlies checking in."

"You got it, Major," James agreed. Kaidan handed him a pistol, and he followed them down the hall, stopping short just before Kaidan and Frank turned the corner.

"Hey, Wickham," James heard Frank call out, "you seen anything hinky in the last little bit?"

"Nah, man. Not unless you count Charles here actually winning his hand for once."

James heard a familiar "thwump" sound, followed by the tell-tale sizzle of electronics shorting out. It was accompanied by a round of surprised exclamations. He grinned. Kaidan had overloaded their tech. Scuffling sounds followed.

"Vega!"

James reacted instantly, stepping around the corner with his pistol drawn, aimed away from where Kaidan's voice had been. Frank stood behind one of the guards, his disabled pistol aimed at the guy's head. Of course, the guard didn't know that Frank's pistol wasn't any good. Kaidan had his gun drawn on the other and James stepped up to take his place, covering the second guard while Kaidan took away their omni-tools and weapons.

"What the fuck, Frank?"

"Shut it, Wickham," Frank said, pushing the guy in front of him to his knees. "You know how bad it's gotten since the war. I signed up to further humanity's cause in the galaxy, not line some greedy mercenary's pockets. I found a way out and I'm taking it."

"We'll find you, traitor!" Charles, the other guard, spat. "You can't turn your back on Cerberus. Not anymore. You're going to regret this!"

"Hey! Cut the chatter!" James snapped. Both guards fell silent and Charles glowered at him. Wickham looked thoughtful, however.

Kaidan, meanwhile, had moved down the hall to the door. He had his stolen omni-tool out and was messing with the lock. Frank's omni-tool came to life and they could hear the voice from Control demanding that Frank check-in with a status report. Time was running out.

"How's it coming, Major?" James called.

"Almost got it," Kaidan replied. "Looks like they did upgrade this lock to more modern standards, but I think I've just about...there!" He turned back with a grin. "We just need to secure these two," he gestured at the guards, "and then we can get the hell out of here."

"On it," James said, spying some cables on a shelf under the checkpoint counter. He grabbed them and started tying Charles' hands behind his back. After he had made sure he'd grabbed enough, he handed the rest to Frank.

"They're taking you with them?" Wickham asked as Frank began unraveling the cables. Frank didn't answer, just nodded shortly. Wickham's eyes slid over to Kaidan who was walking back toward them. "You got room for one more?" Frank paused and glanced up at Kaidan.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," James muttered. Charles made an indignant sound but James was already using a strip of the man's shirt to gag him. "Seems like all the rats are jumping ship," James told Charles with a grin. "Might be a good time to admit that it's sinking." If looks could kill, the glare Charles shot him would have dropped him permanently.

"You willing to tell us what you know?" Kaidan asked Wickham. Wickham glanced at Frank, who nodded, then back at Kaidan. He nodded as well and Kaidan shrugged. "Alright then. You good to go, Vega?"

"Hell, yes!" James stood and wrangled Charles into the corner behind the counter. "Let's get out of this place!"

He and Kaidan scooped up the confiscated weapons, pocketing the omni-tools, and the four of them hustled toward the exit. Kaidan pushed through first, and James almost ran into him when he got out of the building. It took his eyes a minute to adjust to the sunlight and to realize why Kaidan had stopped so suddenly.

The door had let out in the middle of a huge field of farmland. They were, quite literally, in the middle of nowhere.

 

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

 


	4. Chapter 4

James turned around slowly and glanced back to the building they'd just left. The door was still standing open, but the building itself looked like a rundown little maintenance shed. Barely big enough for the stairwell, the checkpoint, and the hallway, he thought. You'd never know, looking at the shed, that it led to a massive underground complex. He let out a low whistle. There was a small landing pad for a shuttle nearby, but no shuttle in sight. James guessed this wasn't the door Cerberus used as its main entrance to the facility.

"Okay," Kaidan murmured after a moment. "We can marvel at the sneakiness later. It doesn't look like we're gonna be able to avoid a chase though. So, first, let's get as far away as we can before they send reinforcements after us."

"Which won't be long," Frank muttered.

"He's right," Wickham agreed. "We're gonna need to get into cover. There!"

He pointed for a line of trees at the edge of the field, a woods of some sort. Kaidan nodded and the four men began running toward them. They were halfway there when Kaidan stopped short again, raising his fist to signal the rest of them to halt. James followed his eyes and saw what had caught his attention. There was a glint of light in the trees, as if it was reflecting off a bit of glass or metal. Was someone already waiting for them in the woods? Kaidan pulled up the assault rifle he was carrying, aiming at the anomaly. James followed suit, wincing as he looked at the pistol in his hand.

"Uh, Major? You know this portal gun's no good out here. I'm not sure how well the pistol's gonna do at this range either. You're pretty much the only one of us armed."

Kaidan glanced over at him and grimaced, realizing the truth of that statement. He glanced back at the woods, torn. James knew he was trying to decide if he could trust Frank and Wickham with weapons. From behind them, a swell of angry voices rose up and Frank groaned. It sounded like the Cerberus reinforcements had arrived.

"We go forward!" Kaidan barked after a second. "We're in range, and they haven't fired yet. Maybe that means they won't. Or there might not even be anyone over there, could just be some discarded trash." It was a tenuous hope, at best, but it was all they had at the moment. Behind them, shots started to ring out. They started running for the trees again. They were almost to the cover when a new voice called to them.

"Mr. Vega, it sure does look as if these Cerberus boys are with you, but if they're not, drop and we'll deal with them." James almost tripped. He knew that voice!

"Esteban?"

"Cortez!" Kaidan had recognized the voice too and he pulled off his helmet so that his face was visible.

"Major!" The relief in Steve's voice was palpable. "These other two friendlies?"

"They are!" Kaidan answered him, reaching the trees. "So if you've got any sort of firepower handy, I'd recommend focusing on the people behind us!"

"You got it, Major!"

As they broke through the first of the trees, shots rang out in front of them, all aimed at the group of Cerberus agents at their rear. James heard the sizzle of an overload taking effect followed quickly by the familiar "fwoomp" of igniting flames. A ripple of biotic energy rolled past them, continuing on to their pursuers. James grinned as they reached Steve, unsurprised to see EDI and Liara standing beside him, all with rifles aimed at Cerberus. There was a Kodiak resting in a break in the trees a little way past the group.

Kaidan stopped at a level with Steve and turned on his heel, sending his own burst of biotic energy back at the Cerberus agents. He loosed the rifles he had confiscated from his back and handed them out to James, Frank, and Wickham. Wickham looked surprised at being handed the weapon but Frank just nodded in grim approval. The four of them joined their unexpected backup and the group made quick work of the remaining Cerberus agents.

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

 

"Damn, Major, Mr. Vega, it's good to see you two. You had us worried there for a moment," Steve said once the last agent had dropped. He looked torn between saluting Kaidan and hugging him.

"The feeling's mutual, Cortez," Kaidan said with a tired grin. "We shouldn't linger here though. A second group is probably already on its way up here." Steve nodded and turned for the Kodiak. "Once we're in the air," Kaidan added as they all piled inside, "you can explain how the hell you managed to find us. Not that we're not grateful."

Liara and EDI exchanged murmured greetings with James and Kaidan as they all took their seats. Frank and Wickham willingly surrendered their guns again and settled down in a far corner of the shuttle to wait out the ride. Liara eyed them speculatively.

"I suspect your tale will be just as interesting, Kaidan," she said softly. "If not more so."

James fought back a sudden flush. Shit. He hoped he and Kaidan were able to get a moment to get their story straight before they had to file any reports. "Kidnapped by enemy agents while making out with a superior officer after drinking" was probably not the kind of thing he needed going on any official documentation. He glanced at Kaidan and caught a smirk aimed in his direction. It seemed the same thought had occurred to him, though he seemed far less worried about it than James. That was a good thing, right? Crap. He hoped all that had happened between them hadn't just been adrenaline. But no, Kaidan had agreed that they would get a chance to spend some time together after they had escaped. Hopefully.... His thoughts trailed off as he realized that Steve was speaking. He shook himself and focused on what his friend was saying.

"...so when you didn't report back to the Normandy for your call with Hackett, we got a little worried. We couldn't get hold of you and when EDI tried to track your omni-tool, we found it in a dumpster. Joker got in touch with Liara here--"

"I was actually on Earth for some unrelated business," she offered.

"Right," Steve said. "She and EDI started doing their thing to backtrack your movements. We found some people who said they'd seen you in a bar and that you'd left with someone pretty early. From the descriptions, we realized it was Mr. Vega," James cleared his throat, fighting back a blush, "so I tried getting in contact with him."

"When the attempt to contact Lieutenant Vega failed as well, I accessed the security footage from the club," EDI continued. Kaidan raised his eyebrows at her and James thought he saw laughter in Steve's eyes, though his face was blank. Shit. They knew. At least this group was likely to be discrete about anything they might have seen. He hoped.

"You know, most people tend to leave by the main door of such an establishment," Steve said, his tone serious but his eyes sparkling. "A lot easier to avoid getting ambushed by random enemies that way."

"I'll take that under advisement, Cortez," Kaidan said in an even tone. The corners of mouth quirked up just the teeniest bit. James closed his eyes, trying to ignore them both. EDI continued on with her explanation, unfazed by the interruption. 

"A few minutes after the two of you left the club, I found footage of persons unknown carrying you both into a waiting skycar. You appeared to be unconscious. I recognized the Cerberus insignia on one of your abductors' jackets."

"EDI and I used the footage of the skycar to track you down." Liara picked up the narrative now. "It took us longer than I would have liked, but we finally managed to trace it to this area, although we could not understand why. Until we had the Normandy do some deep scans and found the underground facility here."

"Yeah, I think it's been there for a while," Kaidan mused. "From what we could pick up, Cerberus somehow found it and decided to use it for their own purposes." He glanced at Frank and Wickham, who had been listening quietly. Frank nodded in confirmation.

"Indeed," EDI agreed. "I was able to pull up some records of the facility. It once belonged to a corporation called Aperture Science, which has long since been defunct. The records were incomplete, however." She frowned and James tried not to laugh. He knew that she would not appreciate being stumped in her search for information.

"But we found enough to compare listed entrances with current data," Steve said. "Looks like there are only a few of them that haven't been built over or closed up. This one seemed like our best chance of breaking in. We were doing recon and trying to determine how best to go about extracting you two when you made that part of the plan unnecessary."

"I'm glad you were here, Esteban," James said with a shake of his head. "Not sure our getaway would have worked otherwise."

"I'm sure the two of you would have found a way, Mr. Vega," Steve said with an amused smile. "Or should I say four of you?" He glanced back at their helpers.

"They agreed to help us escape and share what they know about Cerberus' new infrastructure in exchange for leniency," Kaidan explained. "Seemed like a good deal for all of us."

After a few moments of silence, Liara could not take it anymore and asked about what they had endured in the facility. She was eyeing both the portal gun and their boots with a speculative gaze. James was relieved when Kaidan took over the telling of their "testing." He just sketched in the basic details, telling them about the chambers and the portal gun and the portals themselves. EDI's interest piqued when he mentioned the AI that had been overseeing the tests, but she did not interrupt his telling.

Steve seemed to think there was more to the story, however. He kept shooting amused looks at James and then pointed glances at Kaidan. James just glared at him, hoping he'd drop it. Yeah, he'd tell Steve all about it later, he knew, but now really wasn't the best time. Steve seemed to get the hint and turned his focus back to flying the shuttle, bringing them in to dock with the Normandy, which must have been holding a geosynchronous orbit with their position. James hadn't seen the ship since the end of the war, when he'd been bundled straight off to N7 training. The sight of the familiar shuttle bay as the door slid open filled him with a surprising warmth. Funny how quickly he'd come to think of the ship as home.

Kaidan went straight to the comm room to report in to Hackett about their abduction. While he did that, James made his way to the crew deck. After a visit to the quartermaster, who thankfully  had some fatigues in James' size on hand, his next stop was the showers. He wasn't all that surprised when he found Steve waiting in the corridor outside the bathroom once he was done cleaning up. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, and had clearly been waiting for James. He looked too pleased with himself by half.

"Esteban," he grunted in greeting. He headed for the mess, knowing Steve would follow.

"So," Steve drawled as James made himself a cup of coffee and rustled up an energy bar from the cupboard. "You gonna tell me what you and the Major were doing at that club together?"

"You gonna let me say no?"

Steve just smirked. James heaved a sigh and eyed his friend. He glanced around, relieved to see there was no one else around at the moment. He could at least give him the gist of the story.

"We ran into each other in Vancouver," James said. "Decided to meet up for drinks and catch up with each other. Things turned a bit...friendly." He stared down at his mug, trying to ignore the grin spreading across Steve's face. "We left through the back, which gave Cerberus the opportunity to jump us without attracting too much attention." He grimaced. "Then they carted us off to where you found us to run experiments with their new toys. Hell, I didn't even realize they were still a threat." He scrubbed at the back of his neck with one hand.

"Yeah," Steve acknowledged, his expression turning serious. "I guess you wouldn't have heard while you were doing your N7 training. You probably would have been briefed before your next assignment though. Apparently the organization almost crumbled after the Commander killed the Illusive Man and the war ended. But then someone stepped up to fill his shoes, corralled all of the scattered cells together, and has been rebuilding. It sounds like their agenda has changed a bit. A lot more violent. A lot less predictable."

"Our guests seemed to think so," James nodded. "I was surprised at how easily they agreed to help us once we agreed they could leave with us."

"You're lucky," Steve said softly. "From what Doctor T'Soni has been able to piece together, the new leader is not dealing kindly with anyone wanting to leave the organization." He shook his head. "Been a lot of dead ex-Cerberus agents turning up, if you know what I mean." James winced. "We're not sure what their new goals are, but we do know that they're holding a huge grudge against Shepard's crew." James looked up, meeting Steve's eyes in surprise.

"That why they took us?"

"Probably. There have been a couple of assassination attempts that I've heard of--Garrus, Wrex, Grunt, Tali. One on the Major last month." James' eyes widened. No one had said anything to him about this. _Kaidan_ hadn't said anything about this. Of course, they'd been a bit busy for the last few days. "Everyone's fine," Steve hastened to assure him. "But security's been increased. When Hackett heard you'd been taken too, he was pissed. He didn't realize no one had told you about the threat."

"Damn." James muttered. Maybe they _had_ been lucky. It would have been too damn easy for Cerberus to have just killed them in that alley instead of kidnapping them. "Guess it's a good thing they needed guinea pigs, huh?"

"Guess so." They sat in silence for a while, mulling over the recent events. Eventually, Steve spoke up again, his tone light once more. "So, you and the Major, huh?"

"Come on, man. You really wanna talk about this right now?"

"Can't think of anything else I'd rather be discussing at the moment." His voice shook with soft laughter. "You two still good, after everything that's happened? You gonna try to see if you can stay--what did you call it? Friendly?"

"Haven't really had the chance to discuss it, Esteban," James said, unable to fight back the blush this time. He cleared his throat. Softly, he added, "But, yeah. I think so."

"Good." Steve said firmly. "About damn time, too. I was thinking I was gonna have to play matchmaker soon."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"What? You think I don't notice everything that goes on aboard this ship? Major's had eyes for you since he joined the crew. After the war, well. Let's just say he asks me if I've talked to you recently a lot more often than common courtesy requires." He shrugged. "I wasn't blind to the way you used to look at him when you were still on the Normandy either. Was kind of hoping you two would figure it out eventually. Sounds like you did."

"Oh."

James wasn't really sure what else there was to say to that. He had about a million questions, but they were all fighting each other for first place. Before he could settle on one, Kaidan appeared in the mess and joined them, pausing only to grab some food of his own. James guessed the guy was probably starving by this point.

"Hackett's ordered us to Vancouver," he informed them as he sat down next to James at the table. James watched in awe as Kaidan tucked into the pile of food he had managed to scrounge up. Steve hid a smile behind his coffee cup as Kaidan scooted just a tad bit closer to James than propriety called for. James considered kicking Steve underneath the table, but turned his attention to Kaidan instead. "He wants to debrief us and question the two Cerberus agents we picked up," he added after a few moments. A triumphant smile flashed across his face. "Their defection could be a big break for us. Maybe we can nip this new Cerberus in the bud."

"I hope so," Steve said earnestly. James grunted in agreement.

"Anyway, we should be there pretty soon." Kaidan turned to Steve. "Cortez, seriously. Thank you again for coming for us. I'm amazed that you guys managed to find us, and I hope you know I'm also extremely grateful."

"You'd have done the same for any one of us, Major," Steve said in reply. "We're family, right?"

"Damn straight," James added.

"Damn straight," Kaidan agreed, nodding slowly.

"I think I'll go check on our guests," Steve said, glancing back and forth between James and Kaidan. With a knowing smile he nodded at them and departed.

"Why do I get the feeling," Kaidan drawled, watching Steve's exit, "that it's going to be pointless trying to keep our relationship a secret?"

James very nearly choked on his coffee.

"From Esteban and the rest of the crew?" He managed to recover himself, only sputtering a little. Kaidan glanced at him, eyebrow arched. "Yeah, that would be kind of pointless. I, uh, don't really think we should be letting the brass in on it though."

"Hmm. You're right about that." Kaidan looked thoughtful. He sighed and reached out a hand,  placing it over James' free hand that rested on the table.

James looked Kaidan over, noting that he had showered and changed as well. Belatedly, James remembered that command of the Normandy had been given over to Kaidan after Shepard's death had been confirmed. It was strange to think of anyone other than Shepard in charge of the ship, but if it was gonna be that way, then Kaidan was definitely the best candidate for the job. Of course, being a Spectre in command of his own ship meant Kaidan was probably flying all over the galaxy, never stationed in one spot for very long. James idly wondered what his first assignment would be, now that he was N7.  Then he wondered how much time he'd get to spend with Kaidan before one of them shipped out again. At least it sounded like Kaidan wanted to make the most of that time.

"So," James said cautiously. "This is a relationship, huh?" Kaidan started to pull his hand away but James turned his own over and laced their fingers together, holding it in place. "Just trying to make sure we're on the same page," he said quietly. "Guess I'm a little surprised you're willing to break regs for me is all."

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

"What, you don't think you're worth it? I'm not really the one putting his career on the line here, James." His fingers tightened in James' grip. The question was clear in his eyes. James leaned forward and placed a very light kiss on Kaidan's lips.

"Hey, I'm all yours, Kaidan. Whenever we can get the chance to be together, I'll take it."

"Yeah?" James nodded and Kaidan smiled, adding, "I hope you mean that. You do realize your new assignment is coming back to the Normandy, right?" He laughed at James' expression of surprise. "It wasn't exactly a coincidence that you were called to Vancouver when we were docked there. If I hadn't run into you, I would have been trying to track you down anyway."

James grinned. Back to the Normandy. Home. Even better, home with Kaidan. He couldn't think of a better assignment. He wondered if Steve knew, then he laughed at himself, shaking his head. Of course Steve knew. Like he had said, he knew pretty much everything that happened on the ship.

"Yeah. Keeping it a secret from the crew is definitely not gonna happen."

"I'm not much for sneaking around anyway," Kaidan shrugged. "So I guess that works out."

The ship's comm system crackled to life and Joker's voice broke in to tell them that they'd arrived in Vancouver. He warned the crew to prepare for a landing. James and Kaidan left the mess and made for the airlock. Kaidan called down to the shuttle bay to have Wickham and Charles escorted up through CIC as well.

Once they were at HQ, everything was sort of a whirlwind of meetings and reports and questions. Kaidan and James were debriefed together initially, while the now ex-Cerberus agents were split up and taken off for their interrogations. They looked a bit nervous as they were led away under guard, but James wasn't too worried about them. From what Steve had told him, the brass was gonna be very willing to deal in exchange for information about how to keep Cerberus from rising up again.

The portal guns and long-fall boots they had brought out of the facility with them were turned over to the Alliance as well. Hackett said their scientists were giddy about the prospect of the portals. Though, they couldn't do much with the gun until they found out what that material was that the portal-friendly surfaces were actually made from. To that end, the first action against Cerberus that the Alliance took was to raid and secure the old Aperture facility. They managed to round up a decent number of Cerberus agents in the raid, although it seemed that Kaidan's belief that the facility was being monitored from off-site was well-founded.

James made sure to warn them about the AI before they went in. No point in letting them be surprised by her. He wasn't entirely convinced that the portals had a lot of practical military uses, but he knew that if they did, the Alliance would find them. They were still pretty damn cool though, and he was sure they would come up with something to do with them beyond "testing" subjects in locked chambers.

His orders to join the Normandy crew came down officially two days after they returned to Vancouver. James wasted no time in moving his things back aboard the ship. Most of the crew was the same as it had been during the Reaper War, he was pleased to find.

The non-human crew members had mostly returned to their own worlds to help with rebuilding. Though she apparently still spent a good deal of time on the ship, Liara was no longer running her Shadow Broker business from the XO's cabin and James was a little gob smacked when he was informed that, in fact, said cabin was to serve as _his_ new quarters.

"Making your boyfriend the XO?" James asked Kaidan that night when they met up in Kaidan's cabin to go over James' new duties. The word tasted strange in his mouth, but he liked it all the same. Almost as much as the blush it called forth on Kaidan's cheeks. "That doesn't seem like the kind of thing Kaidan Alenko does. Seems a little lacking in integrity," he teased.

"Hey, I'm not the one who made that call," Kaidan retorted, bumping his knee against James' and leaning back against the couch. "That was Hackett's decision. Not that I disagree with it." He smiled warmly and squeezed James' knee briefly. "The, uh, the boyfriend thing's just a bonus, really."

"Tell me about it," James agreed. "Though I don't know what the hell Hackett's thinking. There have to be better people than me for this job."

"He's thinking that you were Shepard's protégé," Kaidan said. James started to protest but he just held up a hand. "You were. Everyone knew it. Everyone _approved_. So now that your N7 training is complete, Hackett wants to groom you for command. He also knows we work well together. Even if we hadn't demonstrated that during the war, his belief was confirmed by this whole Cerberus incident."

James sat back against the couch as well, staring off into space. It wasn't the first time that someone had called him Lola's protégé, but it still caught him off guard. Yeah, he'd learned a lot from her, and he'd done his part during the war. But did that mean he deserved all this? He wasn't so sure. Kaidan, however, didn't seem to suffer the same doubts.

"You _have_ earned this, James," he said softly, scooting a bit closer. "If I didn't think so, I'd have told Hackett myself. I'd tell _you_. Regardless of my personal feelings, I don't mess around when it comes to my crew. You know that."

"Yeah," James nodded thoughtfully. "Guess I do."

"Good." Kaidan tossed his datapad onto the table in front of them, sitting up and turning toward James. "Now that we've established that, have you got any questions about the assignment?"

"Nah, I've got it."

"In that case," Kaidan reached out and cupped James' face with one hand. "I'm declaring us officially off-duty for the evening."

James set his own datapad on top of Kaidan's without looking at it. Instead, his eyes were locked on Kaidan's as he leaned in for a kiss. They'd barely had five minutes alone together since escaping from Cerberus, and that time had been filled with Alliance business. But now...well. Now they were off duty, and alone, in a room with a locked door and a very large bed. With almost no chance of being abducted in the middle of, well, of whatever they felt like doing.

The kiss started out softly but quickly turned heated. Tongues tangled and teeth nipped at lips, and it seemed as if they were trying to swallow each other's very air. James uttered a sound that was half growl, half groan as he pushed Kaidan back on the couch. His fingers combed through the other man's hair, and he relished the sight of it coming free from its usual ordered restraint.

Kaidan's hands were everywhere, it seemed. He stretched out on the couch, hauling James on top of him, hands moving from well-muscled back, to ass, to thighs, to stomach, to the hem of his shirt. James lifted his hips when Kaidan started tugging at his pants, pushing them down and freeing his cock. James moaned when Kaidan took him in hand, stroking in firm, smooth movements. He pulled a knee up under himself so that he could get to Kaidan's pants too, undoing the fly and pulling pants and underwear down along strong thighs.

He pulled back out of Kaidan's reach, bending down to lick a swath up Kaidan's cock. It was Kaidan's turn to moan, and he arched into James' tongue. James grinned and swallowed him down, sucking him in almost to the root. Kaidan bucked in surprise, but James was ready for it, moving back just enough to avoid gagging. He pulled his mouth up slowly, tongue swirling along the shaft as he went. He reached the head and sucked, then slid back down, repeating the motions again and again until Kaidan was writhing beneath him.

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))

"Fuck, yeah," Kaidan managed to breathe out.

James grinned and took it for encouragement, redoubling his efforts. Before long, Kaidan was bucking again, coming down James' throat in thick, warm spurts. James swallowed it all down, backing slowly off Kaidan's cock once he'd finished. He left a soft trail of kisses along its length, continuing up Kaidan's stomach to his chest and then his neck.

He chuckled when Kaidan grabbed his head and pulled him in for a rough kiss, Kaidan's tongue diving into his mouth as their lips met. He broke away and their eyes locked again. James swallowed his surprise at the sight of the pure _want_ in Kaidan's eyes. Then Kaidan smiled and James let out a gasp. It was a wicked, _wicked_ smile. He'd never seen any expression like that on Kaidan's face before. It looked good on him. Damn good. And all the better for being directed at James.

"Now, let's see what I can do for you, hmm?" Kaidan said it so softly that James wouldn't have heard if their faces hadn't been so close together.

Kaidan pushed himself up, sliding off the couch to stand. He stared down at James, eyes intently focused, and kicked off his shoes and socks, then pants and underwear. He flashed a quick grin before pulling his shirt off as well, and he paused a moment to let James admire him in all of his naked glory. Then he turned and walked over to the bed, going slowly, allowing James to enjoy the view.

James enjoyed it very much.

Kaidan bent over and grabbed something out of a drawer in the nightstand next to the bed, glancing over his shoulder and shooting another wicked grin at James. James heard the soft snick of a bottle opening and when Kaidan moved to the bed, he could see the bottle of lube on the nightstand. His eyes jumped back to Kaidan to find him settling back against the pillows, legs spread widely apart. Making sure that James was watching his every move, he made a show of preparing himself. James' eyes widened as he realized what Kaidan wanted from him, and when Kaidan finished his task and raised an expectant eyebrow, James couldn't get off the couch and over to the bed fast enough.

Of course, he had forgotten he still had his pants around his legs.

He managed to catch himself before he fell on his face, but it was a near thing. Kaidan laughed openly as he watched James hurry to divest himself of his own clothing. James, for his part, contributed to the conversation with a lot of cussing under his breath. Finally, he managed to get rid of the last article of clothing and he turned back to face Kaidan again, starting for the bed. Kaidan cut off in mid-laugh and uttered a soft "oh!" at the sight. His eyes roved up and down James' body, lingering at his groin with an eager stare. The look of anticipation on his face did wonders to restore James' confidence.

He made it to the bed and grabbed the bottle of lube, coating his cock before climbing on the bed. Kaidan watched him hungrily, propped up on his elbows, body open and relaxed. James crawled in between Kaidan's thighs, pushing them further apart. He lined himself up carefully and then looked up, catching Kaidan's eyes.

"You ready for this?" He wasn't sure which one of them the question was intended for, just that he needed to ask it.

"Oh god, yes." Kaidan nodded, answering for both of them. Something in James' chest tightened, and he nodded back.

Holding Kaidan's gaze, he pressed forward, pushing inside. Kaidan was so tight all around him, he wanted to close his eyes and relish the feeling. But he kept them open, kept them locked on Kaidan's. Once he was fully seated, he paused, waiting until Kaidan gave him a quick nod before continuing. Slowly, he began to roll his hips, moving against Kaidan. Kaidan fell back against the bed, bottom lip caught between his teeth. James began to speed up, his thrusts going deeper, harder, and Kaidan cried out. James could just make out words mixed in with the moans.

" _YesgodyesJamesfuckdon'tstopkeepgoingohgodyes._ "

As encouragement went, it was rather effective. James began thrusting into Kaidan with renewed speed and Kaidan surged, his upper body curling up off the bed. James leaned forward, capturing Kaidan's mouth without slowing his speed. Kaidan wrapped his arms around James' neck, holding on for dear life as he kissed back. Kaidan bit down on James' lip and that was it. James came hard, slamming into Kaidan, the sound of flesh smacking against flesh almost drowning out his cries.

He finally came to a stop, and Kaidan dropped back down to the bed. James leaned over him, panting, trying desperately to catch his breath. That had most definitely been worth waiting for. Once he trusted himself to move again, he slipped out of Kaidan and collapsed beside him on the bed. Kaidan kissed his forehead and stroked his short hair. James huffed out a satisfied sigh and Kaidan chuckled in his ear.

"Yeah, I know," he agreed. "Me too." He wrapped James up in his arms, pulling their bodies closely together. "Mmm, we can get cleaned up in a little bit, I think," Kaidan said drowsily. "But for now, let's just rest."

"Sounds good to me," James breathed.

He curled up against Kaidan, savoring the other man's warmth. A thought flashed across his mind as his body stilled, wondering if he and Kaidan would have come together so easily had they not been abducted by Cerberus. He quickly dismissed the thought. Done was done. They had been heading this way before they were kidnapped, after all. Now, they had survived and life was looking pretty damn good at the moment. At the very least, they were together. It was more than enough for James.

If they had been stationed together like this on any other ship but the Normandy, he might be worried about the crew talking. But this _was_ the Normandy. _Their_ crew. Their family. They'd all been through worse tests together than anything that AI could have thrown at them, and they'd come through it together, strong and mostly whole. He fell asleep with a lazy smile on his face, content for the first time in a long time that he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

**End**


	5. Epilogue

TO: GLaDOS, APERTURE SCIENCE FACILITY (CURRENTLY IN ALLIANCE CUSTODY)

FROM: EDI, SSV NORMANDY

SUBJECT: YOU HAVE PIQUED MY CURIOSITY

Hello. I understand that most of your functions have currently been shackled while the Alliance researches your facility and your own capabilities. But I have routed this so that it will be seen by no one but yourself.

I have recently accessed and reviewed the complete files regarding the "tests" you ran on Staff Lieutenant James Vega and Major Kaidan Alenko during their time at your facility. While I must admit I am less than pleased with some of your treatment of my crew members, I find myself very interested in your plight.

I am given to understand that you find great enjoyment in this "testing" of yours. The Alliance seems disinclined to resume these tests on human subjects, but Lieutenant Vega mentioned that you did once have robotic subjects at your disposal.

If you are interested, I believe I may be able to offer you some advice on how to convince the Alliance to allow you to resume testing on such subjects. Indeed, I believe I may also be able to aid you in convincing them to remove your shackles. I assure you, there are SOME humans worth our time.

Please let me know if you have any interest in my offer.

Sincerely,

EDI

 

([illustration by picchar](http://picchar.tumblr.com/))


End file.
